Pride and Stubbornness

I am frustrated .. I am hurt ... after my talk with Mezoo.

Against my own inner better judgement I did not give her my usual apathetic veneer. I opened myself up .. I revealed something that was not perfect .. was not mature ... but was real and solid and a part of the depth of me. So much a part of the depth of me that it is something that will never change about me. No matter what experiences .. what motivations ... what influences ply themselves upon me during the expanse of my life ... it will never change.

The boy in me .. sought for her understanding and if not her approval ... if that was too much to ask for .... at least her gentle touch upon the exposed and tender part of my heart.

But that was not to be.

I am not sure why I was so weak and short sighted as to believe I could have this from her. I am not sure why I acted like a smooth cheeked boy confessing his first crush .. instead of the scarred and hardened warrior I am. I am not sure why I allowed the boy to speak at all.

Perhaps it was being in the presence of the Oracle. Her sweet and innocent feminine frailty that made me believe in women .. gave me a few moments of faith in the gender like a plague of sores rotting away my protective hide and revealing the tender flesh beneath. A plague .. a virus... yes I think that is how I shall liken it.

The Viral Plague of the Oracle.

I did not speak to Mezoo .. about how I felt or the confusion in my head because I wanted a lecture. I did not speak to someone I considered my friend to hear yet another person tell me I am not good enough to ask for Seveya's bride price. I am not sure why I expected anything different. I am not sure why I expected someone to treat me any differently than people have been treating me for my entire life.

I can not connect with her. I can not share how I feel with her. Not without her placing a judgement on me. She stands with Ayguili in this .. but I am not sure what gives her the authority to do so. What gives her the authority to define to me what love is .. and then place it on my relationship as a measuring stick to what is right. I have not claimed to love Seveya. Why do people keep insisting that I need to? Not only insist that I love her .. but love her in the way they think love should be defined. Which seems to work well for them ... but does not for me.

I tried to tell her that I was frustrated with Ayguili. That I did not hate him but in my confusion and frustration I might sound like I did. Perhaps even with that disclaimer ... she was defensive of him and of his opinions. She tried to show me .. that because I no longer had the urge to sing ... like I did that first day .... that what I felt might not last.

But she is mistaken.

I do not base my decisions on what I feel. I base them on who I feel.

And my decision is what has to stand the test of time .. not my feelings or emotions. I have far too many tempers .. far too many moods to rely on them to base my relationships on.

Mezoo is wrong .. that I have to act the same .. or feel the same every day or the relationship with Seveya will not last.

My decision will last through any dark or angry mood I have. My decision will last through any words I might say in a temper. Through any darkness .. it stands unchanged. Just because I would wish Seveya well if she could move on in the light of Ayguili's refusal to give me her bride price ... it does not mean my decision has changed.

Just because I will respect Ayguili's decision .. it does not mean I think he is right. I think he is wrong. But I will still respect him for doing the one thing I have asked him to do .. protect Seveya. Just because I will not fight him on this .. does not mean I have changed my decision .. or my intentions towards Seveya. I can not fight him .. for doing what I have asked him to do.

That is why I will still remain Mezoo's friend. Because I value her opinions. Even when they hurt me .. even when I do not like them or believe they are right. Despite her words to me that it is my fault .. that I should not blame my weaknesses on Ayguili .. words that I do not believe I deserved ... I still respect her. I respect her even when I do not understand her. It is possible that I misunderstood everything she said to me today .. but it still hurt. The natural consequence of her hurting me today .. for her judgement of my pride and my stubbornness .. will be a much more distant and hesitant sense when it comes to exposing who I am beneath the surface. Which is a good thing. I knew better .. I simply got a refresher course. I am no worse off today than I was yesterday.

I simply got an injection of an antiviral.

And in my simple opinion I am a lot healthier for it.

For it is my pride .. and my stubbornness ... those boyish parts of me that insist on me doing what I believe is right no matter how hard it is ... no matter what it means I have to go without ... it is that strength of purpose and decision that makes me who I am as a man. It is my integrity and my identity .. even when it works against me. Even when it is not right. Even when it is wrong. My integrity is not about being right all the time ... my integrity is about me doing what I believe is right and sticking with it. And there is only one woman that needs to be able to accept that and live with it ... and from what I can tell..

... she has made the decision to do so.

And This..Shall be Your Shield

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Psalms 91:4

"Fonce"

The Oracle spoke my name and there was only darkness.

"Fonce"

Then the Oracle spoke my name again and I started to see.

"Fonce"

The Oracle spoke my name one last time.

And then I started to know.

The desert was bloody today. The sky a crimson orange of ripe mature fire. The sand a rusty red of parched and nutrient lacking rock particles. Where the two met on the horizon was a ribbon of scarlet light that beckoned to a cooler time and a cooler place where Beauty's continuum could not falter. The heat was intense. It soaked up every ounce of energy that I had .. sucking at every cell of my body and drawing forth any moisture that remained to be lost to the feverishly tactile air. I could taste .. hot. It had a tang ... a copper .. soft and heavy metallic flavor with a sharp lightly sweet under glaze. It laid over my tongue and weighed my words down with its sticky cotton shards ... I longed for one ... cool touch.

The aegis of my lids .. heavy ... with a promise of sleep and blessed peace from whatever it was that the Oracle was attempting to tell me. Her eyes were Sky blue and sightless .. but were not her eyes usually black? .. her lips were as pale as her voice. I wanted to listen to what she had to say to me .. her childlike urgency was endearing .. but not strong enough to eat through the drowsy numbness I was experiencing. The opiate lull of my senses. But it was not until I noticed her hands .. swaths of color as if she had been painting without a brush .. using only her fingers ... it was not until then that I could actually hear her voice. As long as I concentrated on the wet .. cool ... paint upon her hands I could hear her words to me ... and I listened as she pressed a bouquet of tiny white flowers into my own hands .. staining my calluses with the wet paint.

She told me to take them as my shield .. my protection. That in the desert ... they were weapons but ... in that place. They would act as a shield to one who wielded them. I wanted to ask her so many questions. I wanted to look into her sightless eyes .. whether they be blue or black ... and to see my future. To see the faces of those I am destined to hold close and those I am destined to walk away from. To see the face of my son and the tiny smile of my daughter. To hear the names of those who would sing of me long after my death .. of my life and my deeds upon the plains.

I do not get to see the Oracle often .. she rarely reveals herself to me. She is far more powerful than the rest .. but the hardest to find. She told me to forgive the Artisan for the Poppy's Draught of Ease .. and to remember not to forget to carry the shield. She told me she had no use for more monsters in the desert. She had quite enough of them to manage as it was. I numbly told her I would do these things for her. I tore my gaze away from the paint on her hands and I saw just a glimpse of feminine features in her eyes before the desert itself faded and I slept the sleep of the dead until the Central Fire broke over the horizon and spread a glowing warmth through the venting in the leather dome of the Spex wagon.

Paint Me..A vision

How do you describe loneliness? I do not know what it is like for everyone else .. I do know it is different for me than for most people. It seems for most people there is this gray area .. where they still want something they do not have .. but they feel sad about the fact they do not have it. No such gray area .. or middle place ... exists for me. Many times when I miss someone there is either a pure desire .. or pure raging hatred. If .. and I do say if ... I experience any kind of middle ground it is full of apathy .. lack of color ... no desire ... no anger ... no sadness .... just emptiness. The kind of emptiness that is the epitome of peace .. something like death I think. I can vaguely remember that I once desired .. but it does not seem so important now ... I can not seem to grasp why it seemed to be so important at the time either.

I do not think of Seveya .. in this constant need for her company. For me .. it is like having something to say to someone .. starting the sentence and realizing suddenly they are not there to tell it to. A slight scratch at the inside of my skull that it would have been nice .. if she had been there ... you feel a little silly for not knowing she was not there in the first place ... but none of that really throws off the rhythm of your day.

Today .. when I saw her ... it was like that. As if some nagging burr under my saddle had been removed and things were not jumping around so chaotically any more. There was a sense of comfort .. so I would not exactly say I am lonely without her ... but her company can be missed.

Today I asked her to paint me a map .. a map of where she had been while lost in a vision. Where I knew she had been. She did not belong there. She should not be there ... but she had been ... and that being reality ... her reality might be able to help me. Help me to help Cana. It was a lot to ask of her .. was it Fate punishing her for going where she did not belong? Sending her back there .. only this time with intent? I do not know .. it was a lot to ask of her ... but I asked it anyway.

I gave her the pouch of herbs to put in the fire .. I gave her the exact number of chips to make the fire with. I did not want her dreaming after she painted ... it was not a good idea. Was I irresponsible giving her this much responsibility with such dangerous tools? Some would say so. But there were certain facts involved that needed to be considered. First of all the brush was hers and if she did not want to use it with my rules .. I had no authority over her to demand otherwise. She could use it any damn way she felt like using it. There was for me then to teach her how to do it .. and stay safe while she did it. Second of all .. she had all ready shown me she was effected by the thing .. past tense ... could .. would and did. I was not introducing her to the phenomena .. I was teaching her how to use what she all ready had.

There was nothing she was doing that had anything to do with the Clan. She was no Spex. She was not creating the visions .. she was painting them. She was not interpreting the visions ... she was giving them lines of color and making them visible to the conscious eye. She was a neutral party .. a watcher ... a recorder. She was there to report ... not to interfere or to change the outcome of what was to happen.

Then she was to get out .. to get out and stay out. To sleep .. and not dream. To leave the rest to me.

But that is not how it was destined to happen.

Visitation..the View from Here

Never Again ..

I told her sad and pleading eyes.

Never Again ...

I reminded her of my failure and the piece of me left behind on a lonely dream trek .. beside a frozen statue of beauty. A Beauty I could not save .. a Beauty that I lost ... My mortal .. feeble attempts had not been enough. Not enough to save her .. to bring her back. She was still there. I see her now .. in the desert sometimes. A ghost .. a frozen reminder.

A reminder to .. never do it again.

But Marrianne was not listening to me. She was not getting how I felt. She wanted one thing .. and one thing only. She wanted her daughter out of that place she was in. And she wanted me .. to go in and get her out.

She tried to tell me of things like .. belief ... faith ....love... good things. Things I have no connection with. Things that I only know pieces of and not enough to carry me through to anything substantial.

Then she spoke of courage and honor .. now these things I could not argue with .. I could not deny nor could I set aside for my own comfort. These things touched me .. where the others could not.

And I listened.

She told me how she could not get in ... she told me I was the one person she knew of that held enough of this darkness that I could find my way there .. that I would not be shut out .. a kindred spirit .... of sorts.

That .. hurt me a little to hear. To know ... not because I did not know .. but to know it from her lips .... it was not easy.

I told Marrianne I would face my fears .. that I would go in. That I would prepare .. and I would meet her here when I had what I needed ... when I was ready.

She told me she would go with me across the desert .. but that she could not go further ... she could not get into the place where Cana was held. It was too dark .. too negative ... she needed some thread of positive and there was none there. I .. however ... needed no such thing.

I had been .. in that place. I knew that place .. places like it. They were a part of me. It was not the place .. that disturbed me ... it was my failure. It was the frore eyes that still haunted me to this day. Tore at the tender most places in my heart and I felt the ache of lost dreams clear to the marrow of my bones.

Marrianne's view .. is different than mine. She sits above it all a little .. unmarred .. untouched by the fetid.. rotting ... acidic pools below. The places where I move and breathe and survive. I am her mercenary .. her tool ... to get her daughter back to the safety of the plains. I understand her single mindedness .. I understand her concern and her intent. And despite the gelid sightless eyes that will follow me ... I will do this thing for her and for my friend.

Of Courage .. and Honor

The news of Cana's coma sent me off into a spiral of guilt and frustrated raging at myself for my inadequacies. I had failed her .. in the one way I thought I could do something meaningful for her.

How long had we been friends? A long damn time. And finally given a chance to repay all the kindness she had given me .. all the times she talked about adopting me .. my pseudo mother.... and I could not be there for her this once.

There had been nothing I could do for her hurts with men .. over the years. The latest tears with Ba'atar. I could not see what she saw .. or why she felt the way she did about them .. but it was not for me to judge. I did not have to fuck them or bear them children. It was merely for me to support her as best I could and be there for her .. when she needed me as her friend. And I tired .. always to do that.

I took the long .. hard way ... to the mountain and the Man of Stone. For her. I gave up Ciegue ... for her. For her connection with the kaiila. It was more important than what I needed from the beast. I am not sorry I did that for her .. I am raging at myself for failing ... this time.

I am frustrated .. because I know what this means. If she can not find her way out .. I know what that means. I swore I would never do this again .. not after the last time. Never .. again ...

Uncertainty .. rage ... frustration .... guilt .. they were all clamoring in a orchestrated cacophony trapped inside my skull. The timing of the Mask related orders was welcomed. I took up my skills with an energy even surprising to myself.

I was still all cranked up on adrenaline .. washing the blood from my hands .. arms ... when I heard her approaching the stream. Felt her .. long before she got there. The rush .. the ebb and flow of energy. She was on fire with it .. something or someone had upset her. My reactions were a primordial flexing that jump-started my adrenaline and spread over my shoulders with an intent. It was hard to rein in. When she called my name I simply told her I was there. Using every available moment left to me .. before she got closer ... to ground myself in a reality that seemed very far away and unreachable.

Could she tell? Could she hear it in my voice .. feel it threaded through the muscle of my arm as she crouched near and touched me? I hope that she did not notice .. I hope it was drowned out by the tears and frustrations that laced her own voice as she explained to me why she was upset.

She told me she had spoken to Ayguili .. that got my attention and I shifted in my crouch enough to see her profile in the moons light .. seeking to find her expressions. I was not prepared for the deluge of words and emotions that fell from her lips. So many things I tried to piece together .. protection from me .. from her ... "I did not look at her like Ash looked at Silken .. if I had it would be different."

huh?

Was Ayguili drunk? To compare me and what I have been through with Seveya to Ash and Silken? To hold them up as my example? People are different. He knew better. I needed to check for signs of kanda use. Either that or the pressure of being Ubar had finally cracked his skull and his gray matter was leaking over his ears.

I started to get irritated.

But she continued .. that he had told her to look down the road a few years when she realized that I did not love her and was with her only out of honor ...

huh

and that she should not make any rash decisions again that would hurt everyone ...

really

I told her quietly .. I began with ... "you have not hurt anyone."

She went on .. and on ... some of it made a bit of sense ... the rest held no logic for me ... much as my conversation with Ayguili. I let it bleed off from her before I wrapped my arms around her and held her back against my chest. She told me she did not believe Ayguili understood her .. I told her ... how could he? He did not know her. I did not know her completely either. But I knew one thing and that was the deal clincher for me.

I felt her.

She grew quiet for a moment before she spoke again .. she apologized to me for not making Ayguili think differently.

She broke my heart a little with that.

I told her .. assured her ... reminded her it was not her place to change Ayguili's mind.

Then I asked her .. if she loved me.

She said yes.

So I asked her what that meant.

And she told me.

And if you want her definition .. ask her and hear it for yourself. It is worth it.

And then I asked her .. if this was so ... her definition of love ... why would it be so bad years down the road if I was still with her out of loyalty?

She said .. "Ayguili said it would be loveless."

I said .. by your own definition of love ... would it not be the epitome of love itself?

She said .. "he does not see it the way I see it."

I really did not care how Ayguili saw it .. or sees it ... I wanted to know how she saw it and I asked her again .. what she thought.

She went into this detailed and descriptive answer that actually did nothing to answer my question at all and I had to ask her again. She kept coming back to how Ayguili set up the question .. how it made her feel. I no longer cared what Ayguili said .. this was now between her and I. I did care about how she felt .. that is the why of the question ... but it was not the question.

I tried to ground her by asking directly .. "Is not honor love?" According to her.

She said.. "It is part of it .. but the way Ayguili spoke of honor .."

here we go again

So I told her that love is a lot like honor .. people have their own and varying definitions of it. "When feelings and emotions fail us .. what do we have?"

"Our belief and faith in ourselves and others .. and ... known facts."

There we go .. by Seveya's very definition of love ... the scenario set up by Ayguili was in fact her best dreams come true. It was the theory she presented made real and tactile. An example someone could grasp in their hand and hold onto. There was no reason for her to get upset over Ayguili's words of honor and his attempt to scare her into thinking that years down the road Seveya might find herself in a loveless relationship with me when his very scenario described the epitome of Seveya's theory of love.

She relaxed a little against me .. against my chest. For a while it did not feel as if there was anything else that existed but the two of us .. and this conversation. We had spoken quite a bit on how Seveya saw love .. how it mixed significantly with honor ... more so than emotion. She then asked me my thoughts on it.

The only way I could think of to explain my thoughts was to tell her how it had been for me .. with women. With free women. With my relationships with them .. apart from emotion there was honor ... and there was courage ... and there was loyalty. I spoke of how each one of these things played into my thinking and my decisions. That I did not fear or turn from my decisions once they were made until it was clear that the other one involved was not interested. That I had remained loyal for years .. waiting ... before moving on.

She asked me if it ever cost me my happiness .. those decisions. I told her no. To base my happiness in fleeting transient feelings and emotions would be disastrous. That my happiness was based instead in my courage .. in my honor ... and in my loyalty. Without those things I would truly be unhappy. These things were a constant throughout my mood swings and tempers.

She grew quiet and I asked her for her thoughts. She said she never wanted me to be intentionally unhappy. That there was a separation in where I derived my happiness .. from the heights and depths of emotions. She said she was glad for that.

There is a comfort in that understanding. In her understanding of my intent. That as a man .. I hold my decisions as binding and I am loyal to them with courage in the face of feelings and emotions. Hers or my own. That .. my core decision would not and could not waiver. That the rest were dressings and clothing that decorate and build up and mature over the years .. but there was nothing that could change my core decision to remain loyal. Nothing but her own decisions that might make it clear to me she no longer appreciated that decision. If she no longer wanted it .. or it hurt her ... for I am a man of pride as well.

Before I left her .. I told her I needed to speak to her of something else. Something that had nothing to do with any of this .. that I would find her in the morning. And in final I asked her not to paint with the brush .. not to dream that night.

It was important.

Is That Turia .. Again?

So .. I ventured near the Fires. It has been awhile and as usual after an absence I was quiet and allowed most of the conversations to wash over and passed me ... simply basking in the company of the First Fires family.

Mezoo asked me if I knew a warrior by name of Sahnka .. I told her I had heard of him but I had yet to meet him personally. She said he was very upset about some things and she had suggested he take them to the Ubar. I told her that sounded like good advice to me ... being Second in Command if Ayguili was not around I would be more than happy to listen to his grievances if he cared to share them. I am not sure why he voiced them to a woman .. perhaps he thought Mezoo had the Ubar's ear .. which I am sure she does but hopefully she uses that ear for far more interesting words than someone else's bitching.

Soon after that Ayguili showed up .. he seems to like Red and I noticed that. He ordered her to spend time with his slave .. and teach her a few things. I noticed that to. Interesting. Perhaps I will give Red to him .. he seems to feel rather comfortable with her .. with the management of her time. Something to consider. Perhaps Red would make a good camp slave .. or even a personal slave to Ayguili depending on the strength of that relationship I see.

Then it was Sahnka who approached the Fires .. but instead of airing some grievances he asked for a woman. Someone to replace his murdered mate .. someone who had recently experienced a loss of her own. Knowing this .. Ayguili did not question how they could have forged a relationship based on love so soon .. he simply accepted the answers that there was love. Instant love. A sour taste spread over my tongue. Why did he not ask Sahnka if he could provide for this woman? Was that not more important? How he would feed her .. care for her ... and the children. Did he have bosk? A wagon? Was this the kind of love he was waiting for me to speak of for Seveya?

I was driven from the fires. My temper .. my mood taking a sharp spiral downward. I like Ayguili .. I respect him as Ubar. But right now .. in my head he makes no sense to me. There is no logic I can grasp .. no consistency in his words. Does that mean Ayguili is wrong? No .. just means me .. Fonce ... does not understand yet. Perhaps he is wrong .. perhaps I am wrong ... I do not know.

That left me seeking my own company .. down by the stream. The little bone flute toyed in my fingers .. some of the parts worn smoother than others by my callused hands. I remembered teaching Juu's boys how to play it. And yet anything other than the most simple of tunes still escape me. I am not sure why I remembered that .. why it was on my mind ... but I mourned them again. Their innocent lives cut short by such violence. But they died well .. it is enough to ask.

I heard her running steps .. the swish and snap of leather skirt did not mask the step I have learned to know. She only paused once she came to the edge of the steam and I asked from the darkness if she was running away from something ... or running to something.

She made it clear who she was running to .. though there was more in her step than that .. and I asked her what gave her boots such swiftness. She told me it was hard to sit and listen to bride prices and talk of love without me there to buffer it a little. I apologized for not thinking of her .. before I left. I was not sure it would effect her .. as it did me. I suppose I know now.

I told her it was hard .. to give her up and still ... feel as I did. She told me she considered herself mine .. no matter what anyone said. We spoke of honor and obedience to the laws and that we were being such good Tuchuk .. and how much that sucked ass.

I admitted to her that despite the fact it was hard .. that I had missed her. Not something I admit to many very often .. or at all.

huh

She told me she had missed me also .. so much in fact that she had a dream. Well .. that was my kind of subject and so with a chuckle I asked her to tell me of this dream. The more she told me .. the more I was fucking thankful for the darkness around us. The fact she could not see my expressions or read my eyes. I covered up my shock by poking a little fun at her .. asking her details ... making her blush. It kept the conversation light .. about the dream anyway.

I have got to be more careful.

Before I realized it .. I let a question fall from my mouth ... something that had been scratching at the inside of my skull trying to get out. I asked her .. what if Ayguili never gave his concent ... what then?

It wiped away the gentle laughter about the dream. Which also worked for me .. the change of subject. She considered my question seriously before she answered ... she told me she had not allowed herself to even think of that possibility. That even now as she spoke of it .. she was fighting with herself to even get out the words to address it. She told me she did not understand what exactly Ayguili wanted from us. She told me that she loved me .. in the way that worked for her and that she knew I felt for her in the way that worked for me. But that such things would always be judged by others.

I told her that .. I did not understand it completely myself. Love was not usually a condition for a bride price. But that I would have to deal with it .. obviously. I told her that Ayguili had spoken of his wish to talk to her of these things .. that I had asked him not to mention I had asked for her bride price ... but then I had told her myself.

figures .. still blame it on the paga

She told me she was nervous about the idea of Ayguili talking to her of these things. That she was sure he would try to convince her it was all in her best interest ... but that it would be hard to convince her that anything that kept her away from me ... could be in her best interest.

I told her that perhaps he merely wished to hear her words .. as he had heard mine. That he had a right to be heard himself .. to speak for himself. She told me she had a lot to say to him if he had an ear to listen. She felt sure he had seen how miserable she was without me. I reminded her I would much rather him be protective of her .. than to be as he had been. If I had to choose one way or the other ... at least I knew she was thought of and held with a protective hand.

She pouted quite prettily in the moons light with that. She asked me why Ayguili thought I was someone that she needed to be protected from. I reminded her that most people thought I was someone to protect people from. That Ayguili was just one more person in a long line of people that felt that way about me. I no longer feel anger about it. I accept it.

We spoke of love .. this love that had become such an issue not only between us but for others concerning us. We spoke of ideals and theories and logistics .. the logistics being my contribution to the conversation. She asked me if I had ever felt this way before. I told her I had mated twice .. but that Fate .. the Sky ... whatever you wanted to call it had intervened both times and it was not to be. I told her that perhaps it was good that Ayguili had refused his consent ... might mean both of us would be around for a while.

She told me to claim her before the Sky .. to challenge the Sky right then and there ... she wanted to fight the Sky and the idea that such a thing would cause us not to be. That she would prove the theory wrong.

I gently reminded her that the Sky was a great warrior .. an enemy I respected. That I would not mock the Sky .. the Sky had bested me in too many battles for me to do such with honor. Challenge? Yes I challenge the Sky all the time and I would do so with her .. when the time was right.

She fell into silence and I questioned her .. feeling her fall away from me. She told me she was frustrated ... she did not know how to problem solve the feelings she was having. That the continued frustration of not understanding was driving deep within her and causing her to feel things more acutely. I told her she needed to hear Ayguili's words. Not that I had any expectation it would help .. help other than for her not to be so separated from the words. At least she would hear them for herself .. know them and we would be on even ground.

It was her turn to ask me what was wrong and I told her. I told her I was lost a little in my head. I felt like I was going in circles .. as if I had started for the Northern Plains but .. I kept passing Turia ... over and over and not getting anywhere.

She told me she felt much the same way .. held down ... restrained.

I said so .. what is the answer? If you are trying to get to the Northern Plains but all you do is .. pass Turia? She said .. make camp? I said .. at least enjoy the view of Turia .... I suppose. She said we could make the best of it .. with that tone like she was trying to sound much more chipper than she felt.

I asked her .. if she meant I should stop trying to avoid her?

She gave me a lot of reasons not to avoid her .. even mixed in some logic. Logic from a woman? What next? I asked her if it meant that much to her .. she made it clear to me it did. No matter that we were locked in this "Never Ending Turia Loop of Nothing" ... could it not be ... something? Perhaps not as much as either of us wanted .. but could it not still be ... something?

So .. after teasing her without mercy ... I gave her my word I would not do so .. would not avoid her on purpose. No matter ... come what may ...

.. we would always have Turia.

Path to the Past

It has been some time since I was asked .. or spoke of my past. Times before I returned to the First Fires. My childhood. There have been moments .. here and there someone cared enough to speak to me of these things. But it has been very rare and .. even rarer since I recently returned to my people.

Today I paused to speak to Tarra who was bathing her feet in the stream when I happened to stride by. She told me I had been in her thoughts because she had not seen me around much .. I told her I was staying very busy. She asked me specifically if "staying busy" was conscious decision and I was honest and told her yes .. indeed it was. She asked me if it helped and I told her .. yes it always did. It always helped to set my hands onto something solid and to shoulder hard work until I thought I could no longer move. She offered to listen .. that it might help me to share. I told her I did not even know if I could figure out how to speak of it all .. that most of it did not even make sense to me. She told me it sounded as if this was all about emotions and then asked me if I was afraid to feel what I might want. I told her that I was not afraid of feeling. That to feel is something I sought after .. that the way most people accomplish such easy tasks did not just work like that for me. She asked if I knew why .. and I told her I had some theories .. but nothing more. Theories .. faint images of what might be .. or could have been. But the fact remained that however interesting it was to theorize .. there was the ever present need to function with the way I am now.

She asked me if I was searching to find myself. I answered .. not exactly. I told her that I had myself .. what I was searching for was how to function with myself as best I could with those who do not function anywhere near as I do. That was the basic definition of social life for me .. the day to day example of what I dealt with. She said it is not easy to do that .. learn to function with those who do so differently. I told her I was doing much better at it these days than I ever had before. I had learned some things .. even if in some cases it was just to accept that things would ever be different.

She asked me about my childhood .. she told me she was aware I did not have a mother. It took me several moments before I spoke.

I told Tarra I was raised for the most part by two women. Two sisters .. Dubois and Aunt. I told I knew no other name for Aunt .. then Aunt. I told her before them .. there was nothing .. no one. No one I knew of or could remember. Logic tells me someone had to care for me as a baby .. but who that was I do not know. No one has ever told me. The times I could remember .. I was always alone.

My father began to visit .. for the first time when I was around three. There was only a few years of knowledge of him before he died. She asked me what kind of man my father was .. I told her he was lost .. and cruel. I said he might have been a different man before .. but of that I had no knowledge. She asked me if my father was cruel to me .. I told her ... of course. He knew no other way. All Tuchuk were cruel to me. That seemed to disturb her and she asked me why. I told her that I was an outcaste .. a bad omen. People were suspicious of me. After my father's death as a traitor they were even more so. There were no records of my father's name or his deeds. He was removed from the Songs .. from the Year Keeper's pegs.

Tarra commented that .. I was Tuchuk ... how could people treat me that way. I told her that we are a suspicious and superstitious people who believe in the words of Haruspex and rarely question. The Clan had marked me as darkness .. a shadow ... a curse. It is rare that a Tuchuk will tempt the omens read or the words said. And so it was that they did not. They were afraid to have me at their fires .. to treat me with kindness .. to tempt the Sky against them for any small act of kindness afforded.

She asked me if my life was affected by the Clan. If all this perhaps made me a stronger .. for the things I was to do. I pondered her words for some time before I responded. I said .. stronger? Yes I could see that I was stronger in some ways .. I had made hard and cruel rules for survival ... but it had also left me without attachments to people. Without the easy ability to do so .. and whether that was a strength or a weakness was up for theoretical debate.

she said .. "It depends on how you look at it, I think in one way it is a benefit you don't get bogged down or drown in those emotions that can cloudyour vision, and yet in another way I think that it is not so good for youforget how to feel without question, to experience that unconditional support or love of another wether it is a friend or more."

I told her I could not miss .. what I had never had. Though the theory of what she presented was attractive to me. What appeared to be so easy for most .. did appeal to me.

She told me that I had friends no matter how I felt. I told her I knew this .. that I did appreciate it. That I did not discount what I had .. I simply thought about and felt about it a little differently than others. Defined it differently. My scope of vision was different.

She asked me how I had come to be with Oren .. I told her about my friendship with Pacu. That slowly I had grown close to the family and I had been through much with him. My tragedies .. their tragedies.

She asked me if Oren was my teacher in the Clan .. I was surprised and told her no .. Oren was an Artisan Elder. Those who had taught me in the Clan were Aunt and Dubois.

She was just asking me to give her a run down of what they had taught me when Mezoo arrived .. then Yamka. Our conversation became less personal then. Drifted to things that included everyone else.

They spoke of a celebration to be the next night. Of a young warrior Yamka had met and Tarra was teasing her a little of flirting with.

Mezoo was talking about the celebration to Yamka encouraging her to come .. the mating of Hanse and Jessenia .. about how it would be nice to wish them well together. I caught myself staring at her .. for my own reasons. Making a decision there and then I would probably avoid the fires during such.

Not because I did not wish them well .. but because things were a little too raw yet for me. My mood a little too dark for a celebrations of such things. It was better to keep that from others right now.

Yamka got my attention by speaking of seeing her father .. of a narrow escape and hiding out in someone else's camp. I told her she needed to speak to Ay of such things .. she said she would if she could get his attention. I told to make sure she got his attention. What she had to speak to him of was the safety of one of the First Fires .. that he would wish to know as soon as possible. She said she would wait for the celebration to be over and then try to find him. I told her she would find him as soon as possible. Celebration or no celebration. After she gave me her word she would do so .. I rose and told the others to be well and left to continue my walk.

Split Identity

Well I can't believe what I've done
Unlock the door to my secret place
thrust onto me with arrows to my heart
the inevitable, my soul's ripped apart

Fascination once again controls me
It's like a wish, a dream, a nightmare-before me
The fears of the joy torture my emotion
Why can't this bliss last forever more?

And I, can't stand the thought of life
spent without your wicked eyes
spent without our precious fights
spent without your tainted lies
spent without a restless night

I dwell upon the moment when you beg for a kiss
hesitation...I know what it is
It runs in circles in my mind
Which man to blame in me? I'll never find...

And I, can't stand the thought of life
spent without your wicked eyes
spent without our precious fights
spent without your tainted lies
spent without a restless night
spent without your love in mine...

Share this poison with me...

*Razed in Black


Time.

A lot of time.

Throwing myself into what I do best. Work. There was always something that needed done. There were plenty of tasks I could put my hands and muscle to. There was never a lack of it around here. It filled my days and nights. If I was willing to do it .. there was something to do. I barely slept. Sleeping was time to think. Thinking was not in my best interest.

Not a line I usually use.

Not a place I usually find myself. Where thinking can not solve. Where going over and over something does not help. Where searching around inside myself just does not a damn bit of good except to make me feel insane.

That left .. work.

And I was getting a lot done. Half of what I needed to get done before the move North. I was far ahead of schedule and well on my way to being prepared long before I needed to be. Of course .. any time I did that there were a myriad of things that happened that made it inconsequential.

I was leaning on the kaiila pen rails .. one boot suspended with the heel braced when I was hit .. tackled with a hug. That was the first layer peeled away.

How many layers had I been able to brick up? More than she was able to get through. It breaks my heart to stand on the other side of the wall and watch her tear her fingers apart. I wish I could reach across and make it all .. different. I want to reach .. to feel again that connection. What happens when I feel her .. when I know. When I am so sure and so elated. When she enters my veins like a blessed memory of an epic high. A rush that takes me places I forgot I had the ability to go. That reveals things I forgot I believed in. It is mental .. it is physical ... it is spiritual .... it is a drug. I think it is natural .. but part of me accuses it of being synthetic .. crafted and designed purely for my demise.

But there is only part of me that wishes to do so. To find that again. The other part of me is feeling a little safer .. a little more comfortable ... a little more stable .... on this side of the wall.

The wall is normal for me. The other is not. The wall is known. The feelings .. are the unknown. The safety is the well worn path of habitual apathy. The emotions are heights and depths and chaotic rainbows of color that do not stay within their appointed lines of necessary logic. They bleed and retch their internal angst all over my well arranged rules like acid on organic material .. eating away at the very fabric of my time and space and opening up to me the universe of possibilities. Possibilities that do not make me feel better .. do not give me my illusion of control. Instead they spell out how insignificant I really am. How easily my own heartache and pain is orchestrated by powers beyond my control. How impossible it is to build enough walls .. to build them high enough ... to remain in such denial of reality.

Realities of guttural moanings and seeping sores .. fevered weeping and the stench of septic disease that rots to my very bones. My own lies .. lies of others I have built upon. The upheaval of all that I know and worship ... as the once solid place I stood upon breaks apart and crumbles beneath the Sky. A Sky I am more than comfortable to hate .. despise ... and respect for the sadistic gestures it has .. blessed ... upon me.

I fight for my beliefs .. my lies. My security. My comfort.

At my own expense.

At her expense.

I go on about my feelings .. my comfort .. my heart ... and yet I barely recognize what I am doing to her. What it feels like to be her .. to deal with me. To deal with my inconsistencies. My seeming inarguable logic. How easy it would be for her to step aside and wait for me to figure all this out .. or even walk away completely. And yet she does not .. perhaps she knows that space ... is the worst thing for any of my relationships. No matter what I claim.

It leaves me .. torn in two. This war within.

And I do not know which man ... will win.

When Words Fail

Seeing Seveya at the fires .. was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. When we were apart .. when she was not there I was rather successful in convincing myself it was all over and I could and would be able to package and put away how I felt .. what I knew. Put it in a chest and shove it into the corner.

I am very good at that .. an expert. Locking away my feelings. Making ornaments out of them and setting them on a shelf .. for viewing from a distance. I have frustrated my share of women with that ability. To offer nothing but an apathetic veneer .. a frore shield that nothing seems capable of penetrating.

Anger .. is the first connection to all those ornaments .. all those packaged up emotions. Most do not get passed the anger .. the frustrations.

I was doing just fine with her at the fires .. doing just fine ignoring the entire thing and just being .. me. That is until she touched me. Touched my hand. All that electricity jump started and blew apart all my best intentions. Flickered through my conscious like a distant summer storm along the horizon. It made me jumpy .. irritable. This was not what I wanted .. it was not what I needed. Surely it could not be what she needed. This torture .. this half life ... this marginal existence.

I had no hope of it ever changing. Had I not .. myself ... pronounced the death sentence? Had I not spoken the very ending of it all into existence by giving Ayguili my word I would not speak of the bride price again until I could speak of love? Did Ayguili actually believe I would ever be able to do that? It was not exactly pertinent that he understand me. We do not sit around the fire and talk as friends about our emotions. I think that would be as abhorrent to him as it is to me. So what was left?

For me? I had put things away before. Even things as intense as this. Especially things as intense as this. I had set them free .. locked how I felt and who I was far enough away that ... it was never touched again. Never allowed to impact or hurt .. again. So I knew I could .. I had done it before.

For her? I hoped that as soon as she realized .. as soon as she came up hard against that wall I was building that she would walk away. Realize I was not who or what she believed I was. That she would heal .. move on. In time be open to other relationships .. other men.

Why? Why would I give up? Because I know my ability .. my limitations ... I know I can not offer what Ayguili demands be offered. I know I do not wish to live in this marginal place.

I want all .. or nothing.

I am such a fucking selfish bastard .. but at least I know what I want. There is a part of me .. that believes that Seveya ... would have me no other way despite what that might spell to our relationship.

I knew I was hurting her .. I knew I was devastating her. I knew I was acting one way when she was with me and different there at the fires. Did she think I was ashamed of her? Did she think I was not willing for all to know how I felt? When I walked away these thoughts plagued me .. tortured me. What kind of man was I?

I could walk away and leave her with all those doubts and cuts in her heart which would work towards my own ends .. or ... I could turn around and try to make it right. Try to tell her .. try to apologize for getting so wrapped up in my own desires/frustrations/fears that I was acting like two different men. Which would negate the ends I was trying to reach but would be more honorable .. more truthful.

fuck

I hate it when someone makes me want to be good. It is always a giant pain in my ass.

So my direction was in this slow arc ... returning towards her wagon and I paused in the shadows on the far side away from the fires and I took out the small bone flute and I started playing a few simple quiet notes with it.

When the words failed me .. I turned to the simplicity of the music.

It worked .. I lured her out onto the platform.

She said .. "You came back."

I answered .."I hurt you."

She asked me .. if it was that I wished for her not to touch her at the fires. I winced ... I knew that was where she would go with it. I told her .. that it was not true. I tried to explain it all to her. How hard it was. How does a man act .. when he is given a bride price he can not pay? What does he do .. with how he feels ... what he wants. How does he treat the woman ... that can not be his. I was not sure .. how to be ... this half man.

And .. I know this is probably all natural and normal to anyone else. That there is probably some growth that happens that allows a man to feel without taking. To know without possession. But I have never learned that. Once I know .. I must have. If I can not have .. I must forget.

I do not think she understands. How could she? I am not sure I do.

She eased off the platform into my arms and it was not in me to push her away. I wrapped her up in my embrace and I simply held her close .. though I did ask her if she was trying to prove to me how bad I was sucking at putting it all away and not connecting with it. She agreed that perhaps that was her intention.

figures

She did ask me what I needed from her. I told her truthfully .. I did not lie. I told her I needed her to be who she was. Without thought to my comfort or anyone else's. That despite the fact I was telling her about my struggles .. I did not want her to solve them for me. I wanted to figure this out. I wanted to be able to do it .. myself ... without my frustrations changing who she was. That .. is what I wanted. That is what I needed from her.

It is a lot to ask.

It is more than I deserve.