I do not think Asria even knew .. or knows ... that I know. She was to wrapped up in grief. I am not sure even Lei knows .. that I was there. Her focus is on her mother .. as it always has been.
A parent should not outlive their child.
A woman should not lose the essence of her mate .. twice.
But all is not as it should be under the Sky.
I want to feel .. I want to hold this pain as if it were my own. I want to place my loss of Trayu as my friend .. now the loss of his son as something I could have prevented. If I had just been there .. or if I had just been more.
But logic tells me that this is not my pain. This is not mine to hold and feel. I could not save Trayu .. I could not save his son.
There are so many I could not save. Why is this one bothering me more than any of the others.
I want to look at my hands and see the blood on them. I want to feel as if I have failed. I want someone to be angry at me .. for his death.
At least then I would feel as if I had some control over it all. Even if it was a failure .. it would not feel so ... out of my hands.
Instead I put myself into the task of getting their wagons ready to move. The little things .. the easy things. The things I can control. The wheels .. the straps ... the harnesses ... the teams of bosk. It seems so miniscule .. so unworthy in the face of all that has happened.
To everyone.
But it is .. as a man .. what I know how to do and something I can set the strength of my hands to and accomplish. And it is what I will do .. even while I rage at the fact that ... I have no blood on my hands ...
and I can find no one to blame
not even myself.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Here .. Without You
Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why can we just try
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
*Rob Thomas
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why can we just try
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
*Rob Thomas
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Silent Vigil
It was another great relief when I saw Oren and Astar working around their wagons. It was with a tired and sore heart that I brought them Seveya and Persephone. Though none of us were hurt badly .. we just needed that place to rest and find sanctuary .. just for a moment ... before moving on. Astar took Persephone and started to get her cleaned up and examined .. I brought Seveya down from the saddle .. to feel her in my arms was so overwhelming I did not even see Oren before she laid her staff along my calf .. reminding me to get Seveya off her twisted ankle.
I chuckled carried her to the steps and Ay came by .. to let Oren and Astar know where Mezoo was being held. He rose in my opinion of him for that. For taking the time to bring that knowledge to them in the middle of everything else he was doing. He has made a bond with Oren that will always be there .. no matter what. It is not bridged by Mezoo .. it stands solid between the two of them. Something that Ayguili himself had to build to repair his own mistakes. Something I see him still maintaining. Something I appreciate.
Of course Oren and Astar hustled off to be with Mezoo. Seveya collapsed in my arms laying her head upon my shoulder and I held her close to my chest .. feeling her cool touch against my heated skin. Feeling her heart's beat .. lulled by the frequency of it. It does not match my own. It does not even harmonize with my own. It is different and I am drawn to the independence of it. I could lay and listen to the rhythm for hours and never realize how fast the time was slipping by. Much like that night.
I did not want to leave them alone .. so I gathered Seveya up into my arms and I carried her .. Persephone's tiny hand on my thigh as we made our way through the wagons .. through the crush of people ... the horrific chaos of that night. It was Aod's wagon that I sought .. and found. The old woman seemed untouched .. unaffected by everything. Power of a Spex? Perhaps .. whatever it was .. her wagon was like a harbor in the storm ... the lee side of a wagon ... a place set apart from everything even in the very feel of it. It was an island .. and I delivered Seveya and Persephone into it with a relief I can not describe.
There is a woman I trust with my very life. A woman who saw me to the other side and back. You can not go with another human further than that .. and she proved someone with the strength of character to face it without hesitation. There is not a situation I can imagine that I would not feel privileged to have her at my back. I do not even know her name ..
she is Ogedaii's Bitch.
It was her that I sought .. her that I figured no one else would want... or trust. I knew I could have her undivided attention. I could have every bit of her talent for my own purpose .. should Ogedaii allow it. I knew he would ... I have come to trust Ogedaii and even Tao .. with nearly as much weight as I did Pacu. It was with the same assurance that I asked Ogedaii for the use of his Bitch that I had asked Ayguili for Seveya's bride price. Only it proved I knew Ogedaii better and he did nothing to surprise me. The Bitch was sent with me to tend to both Seveya and to Persephone. I am very grateful for that.. I will think of a way to repay Ogedaii. Some scrapes .. scratches .. bruises and some blisters on their hands. Seveya's twisted ankle. Aod presided over the entire thing as usual with her quiet and wise energy.
The Bitch and I do not speak much. I do not know if she speaks much to anyone .. perhaps Ogedaii. When her task was completed she was released to return to her master and whatever tasks he still had in store for her. I tried to take Persephone .. so we could go look for her parents. But she refused to leave Seveya's side. She tucked her little bandaged hand into Seveya's and just looked at me.. dared me to demand otherwise. I did not of course. Whatever bond was forged between them in the midst of all that tragedy ... I was not the man to attempt to break it. I left them there together with Aod to sleep and rest knowing she would watch over the two of them as I returned to the tasks still left to do around the makeshift Harigga.
It was not easy to leave her. Not after finding her. But it was that moment that I grabbed her up in my arms in the middle of all that smoke .. ash and chaos. That cut out picture ... that talisman ... that I carried with me when I did leave. The pristine quality of it gives the moment a kind of immortal clarity that I know will never tarnish or corrode. It has its own spark of life that takes no energy from either one of us. I want to find a way to connect to it .. to create a path to it ... so that I can find it any time I want to or need to. It is this formulation of intent that I allowed my thoughts to chew on as I pitched in with the terrible tasks that haunted and filled the next few days.
I chuckled carried her to the steps and Ay came by .. to let Oren and Astar know where Mezoo was being held. He rose in my opinion of him for that. For taking the time to bring that knowledge to them in the middle of everything else he was doing. He has made a bond with Oren that will always be there .. no matter what. It is not bridged by Mezoo .. it stands solid between the two of them. Something that Ayguili himself had to build to repair his own mistakes. Something I see him still maintaining. Something I appreciate.
Of course Oren and Astar hustled off to be with Mezoo. Seveya collapsed in my arms laying her head upon my shoulder and I held her close to my chest .. feeling her cool touch against my heated skin. Feeling her heart's beat .. lulled by the frequency of it. It does not match my own. It does not even harmonize with my own. It is different and I am drawn to the independence of it. I could lay and listen to the rhythm for hours and never realize how fast the time was slipping by. Much like that night.
I did not want to leave them alone .. so I gathered Seveya up into my arms and I carried her .. Persephone's tiny hand on my thigh as we made our way through the wagons .. through the crush of people ... the horrific chaos of that night. It was Aod's wagon that I sought .. and found. The old woman seemed untouched .. unaffected by everything. Power of a Spex? Perhaps .. whatever it was .. her wagon was like a harbor in the storm ... the lee side of a wagon ... a place set apart from everything even in the very feel of it. It was an island .. and I delivered Seveya and Persephone into it with a relief I can not describe.
There is a woman I trust with my very life. A woman who saw me to the other side and back. You can not go with another human further than that .. and she proved someone with the strength of character to face it without hesitation. There is not a situation I can imagine that I would not feel privileged to have her at my back. I do not even know her name ..
she is Ogedaii's Bitch.
It was her that I sought .. her that I figured no one else would want... or trust. I knew I could have her undivided attention. I could have every bit of her talent for my own purpose .. should Ogedaii allow it. I knew he would ... I have come to trust Ogedaii and even Tao .. with nearly as much weight as I did Pacu. It was with the same assurance that I asked Ogedaii for the use of his Bitch that I had asked Ayguili for Seveya's bride price. Only it proved I knew Ogedaii better and he did nothing to surprise me. The Bitch was sent with me to tend to both Seveya and to Persephone. I am very grateful for that.. I will think of a way to repay Ogedaii. Some scrapes .. scratches .. bruises and some blisters on their hands. Seveya's twisted ankle. Aod presided over the entire thing as usual with her quiet and wise energy.
The Bitch and I do not speak much. I do not know if she speaks much to anyone .. perhaps Ogedaii. When her task was completed she was released to return to her master and whatever tasks he still had in store for her. I tried to take Persephone .. so we could go look for her parents. But she refused to leave Seveya's side. She tucked her little bandaged hand into Seveya's and just looked at me.. dared me to demand otherwise. I did not of course. Whatever bond was forged between them in the midst of all that tragedy ... I was not the man to attempt to break it. I left them there together with Aod to sleep and rest knowing she would watch over the two of them as I returned to the tasks still left to do around the makeshift Harigga.
It was not easy to leave her. Not after finding her. But it was that moment that I grabbed her up in my arms in the middle of all that smoke .. ash and chaos. That cut out picture ... that talisman ... that I carried with me when I did leave. The pristine quality of it gives the moment a kind of immortal clarity that I know will never tarnish or corrode. It has its own spark of life that takes no energy from either one of us. I want to find a way to connect to it .. to create a path to it ... so that I can find it any time I want to or need to. It is this formulation of intent that I allowed my thoughts to chew on as I pitched in with the terrible tasks that haunted and filled the next few days.
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