First Son of Trayu

I do not think Asria even knew .. or knows ... that I know. She was to wrapped up in grief. I am not sure even Lei knows .. that I was there. Her focus is on her mother .. as it always has been.

A parent should not outlive their child.

A woman should not lose the essence of her mate .. twice.

But all is not as it should be under the Sky.

I want to feel .. I want to hold this pain as if it were my own. I want to place my loss of Trayu as my friend .. now the loss of his son as something I could have prevented. If I had just been there .. or if I had just been more.

But logic tells me that this is not my pain. This is not mine to hold and feel. I could not save Trayu .. I could not save his son.

There are so many I could not save. Why is this one bothering me more than any of the others.

I want to look at my hands and see the blood on them. I want to feel as if I have failed. I want someone to be angry at me .. for his death.

At least then I would feel as if I had some control over it all. Even if it was a failure .. it would not feel so ... out of my hands.

Instead I put myself into the task of getting their wagons ready to move. The little things .. the easy things. The things I can control. The wheels .. the straps ... the harnesses ... the teams of bosk. It seems so miniscule .. so unworthy in the face of all that has happened.

To everyone.

But it is .. as a man .. what I know how to do and something I can set the strength of my hands to and accomplish. And it is what I will do .. even while I rage at the fact that ... I have no blood on my hands ...


and I can find no one to blame

not even myself.