When Words Fail

Seeing Seveya at the fires .. was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. When we were apart .. when she was not there I was rather successful in convincing myself it was all over and I could and would be able to package and put away how I felt .. what I knew. Put it in a chest and shove it into the corner.

I am very good at that .. an expert. Locking away my feelings. Making ornaments out of them and setting them on a shelf .. for viewing from a distance. I have frustrated my share of women with that ability. To offer nothing but an apathetic veneer .. a frore shield that nothing seems capable of penetrating.

Anger .. is the first connection to all those ornaments .. all those packaged up emotions. Most do not get passed the anger .. the frustrations.

I was doing just fine with her at the fires .. doing just fine ignoring the entire thing and just being .. me. That is until she touched me. Touched my hand. All that electricity jump started and blew apart all my best intentions. Flickered through my conscious like a distant summer storm along the horizon. It made me jumpy .. irritable. This was not what I wanted .. it was not what I needed. Surely it could not be what she needed. This torture .. this half life ... this marginal existence.

I had no hope of it ever changing. Had I not .. myself ... pronounced the death sentence? Had I not spoken the very ending of it all into existence by giving Ayguili my word I would not speak of the bride price again until I could speak of love? Did Ayguili actually believe I would ever be able to do that? It was not exactly pertinent that he understand me. We do not sit around the fire and talk as friends about our emotions. I think that would be as abhorrent to him as it is to me. So what was left?

For me? I had put things away before. Even things as intense as this. Especially things as intense as this. I had set them free .. locked how I felt and who I was far enough away that ... it was never touched again. Never allowed to impact or hurt .. again. So I knew I could .. I had done it before.

For her? I hoped that as soon as she realized .. as soon as she came up hard against that wall I was building that she would walk away. Realize I was not who or what she believed I was. That she would heal .. move on. In time be open to other relationships .. other men.

Why? Why would I give up? Because I know my ability .. my limitations ... I know I can not offer what Ayguili demands be offered. I know I do not wish to live in this marginal place.

I want all .. or nothing.

I am such a fucking selfish bastard .. but at least I know what I want. There is a part of me .. that believes that Seveya ... would have me no other way despite what that might spell to our relationship.

I knew I was hurting her .. I knew I was devastating her. I knew I was acting one way when she was with me and different there at the fires. Did she think I was ashamed of her? Did she think I was not willing for all to know how I felt? When I walked away these thoughts plagued me .. tortured me. What kind of man was I?

I could walk away and leave her with all those doubts and cuts in her heart which would work towards my own ends .. or ... I could turn around and try to make it right. Try to tell her .. try to apologize for getting so wrapped up in my own desires/frustrations/fears that I was acting like two different men. Which would negate the ends I was trying to reach but would be more honorable .. more truthful.

fuck

I hate it when someone makes me want to be good. It is always a giant pain in my ass.

So my direction was in this slow arc ... returning towards her wagon and I paused in the shadows on the far side away from the fires and I took out the small bone flute and I started playing a few simple quiet notes with it.

When the words failed me .. I turned to the simplicity of the music.

It worked .. I lured her out onto the platform.

She said .. "You came back."

I answered .."I hurt you."

She asked me .. if it was that I wished for her not to touch her at the fires. I winced ... I knew that was where she would go with it. I told her .. that it was not true. I tried to explain it all to her. How hard it was. How does a man act .. when he is given a bride price he can not pay? What does he do .. with how he feels ... what he wants. How does he treat the woman ... that can not be his. I was not sure .. how to be ... this half man.

And .. I know this is probably all natural and normal to anyone else. That there is probably some growth that happens that allows a man to feel without taking. To know without possession. But I have never learned that. Once I know .. I must have. If I can not have .. I must forget.

I do not think she understands. How could she? I am not sure I do.

She eased off the platform into my arms and it was not in me to push her away. I wrapped her up in my embrace and I simply held her close .. though I did ask her if she was trying to prove to me how bad I was sucking at putting it all away and not connecting with it. She agreed that perhaps that was her intention.

figures

She did ask me what I needed from her. I told her truthfully .. I did not lie. I told her I needed her to be who she was. Without thought to my comfort or anyone else's. That despite the fact I was telling her about my struggles .. I did not want her to solve them for me. I wanted to figure this out. I wanted to be able to do it .. myself ... without my frustrations changing who she was. That .. is what I wanted. That is what I needed from her.

It is a lot to ask.

It is more than I deserve.