Path to the Past

It has been some time since I was asked .. or spoke of my past. Times before I returned to the First Fires. My childhood. There have been moments .. here and there someone cared enough to speak to me of these things. But it has been very rare and .. even rarer since I recently returned to my people.

Today I paused to speak to Tarra who was bathing her feet in the stream when I happened to stride by. She told me I had been in her thoughts because she had not seen me around much .. I told her I was staying very busy. She asked me specifically if "staying busy" was conscious decision and I was honest and told her yes .. indeed it was. She asked me if it helped and I told her .. yes it always did. It always helped to set my hands onto something solid and to shoulder hard work until I thought I could no longer move. She offered to listen .. that it might help me to share. I told her I did not even know if I could figure out how to speak of it all .. that most of it did not even make sense to me. She told me it sounded as if this was all about emotions and then asked me if I was afraid to feel what I might want. I told her that I was not afraid of feeling. That to feel is something I sought after .. that the way most people accomplish such easy tasks did not just work like that for me. She asked if I knew why .. and I told her I had some theories .. but nothing more. Theories .. faint images of what might be .. or could have been. But the fact remained that however interesting it was to theorize .. there was the ever present need to function with the way I am now.

She asked me if I was searching to find myself. I answered .. not exactly. I told her that I had myself .. what I was searching for was how to function with myself as best I could with those who do not function anywhere near as I do. That was the basic definition of social life for me .. the day to day example of what I dealt with. She said it is not easy to do that .. learn to function with those who do so differently. I told her I was doing much better at it these days than I ever had before. I had learned some things .. even if in some cases it was just to accept that things would ever be different.

She asked me about my childhood .. she told me she was aware I did not have a mother. It took me several moments before I spoke.

I told Tarra I was raised for the most part by two women. Two sisters .. Dubois and Aunt. I told I knew no other name for Aunt .. then Aunt. I told her before them .. there was nothing .. no one. No one I knew of or could remember. Logic tells me someone had to care for me as a baby .. but who that was I do not know. No one has ever told me. The times I could remember .. I was always alone.

My father began to visit .. for the first time when I was around three. There was only a few years of knowledge of him before he died. She asked me what kind of man my father was .. I told her he was lost .. and cruel. I said he might have been a different man before .. but of that I had no knowledge. She asked me if my father was cruel to me .. I told her ... of course. He knew no other way. All Tuchuk were cruel to me. That seemed to disturb her and she asked me why. I told her that I was an outcaste .. a bad omen. People were suspicious of me. After my father's death as a traitor they were even more so. There were no records of my father's name or his deeds. He was removed from the Songs .. from the Year Keeper's pegs.

Tarra commented that .. I was Tuchuk ... how could people treat me that way. I told her that we are a suspicious and superstitious people who believe in the words of Haruspex and rarely question. The Clan had marked me as darkness .. a shadow ... a curse. It is rare that a Tuchuk will tempt the omens read or the words said. And so it was that they did not. They were afraid to have me at their fires .. to treat me with kindness .. to tempt the Sky against them for any small act of kindness afforded.

She asked me if my life was affected by the Clan. If all this perhaps made me a stronger .. for the things I was to do. I pondered her words for some time before I responded. I said .. stronger? Yes I could see that I was stronger in some ways .. I had made hard and cruel rules for survival ... but it had also left me without attachments to people. Without the easy ability to do so .. and whether that was a strength or a weakness was up for theoretical debate.

she said .. "It depends on how you look at it, I think in one way it is a benefit you don't get bogged down or drown in those emotions that can cloudyour vision, and yet in another way I think that it is not so good for youforget how to feel without question, to experience that unconditional support or love of another wether it is a friend or more."

I told her I could not miss .. what I had never had. Though the theory of what she presented was attractive to me. What appeared to be so easy for most .. did appeal to me.

She told me that I had friends no matter how I felt. I told her I knew this .. that I did appreciate it. That I did not discount what I had .. I simply thought about and felt about it a little differently than others. Defined it differently. My scope of vision was different.

She asked me how I had come to be with Oren .. I told her about my friendship with Pacu. That slowly I had grown close to the family and I had been through much with him. My tragedies .. their tragedies.

She asked me if Oren was my teacher in the Clan .. I was surprised and told her no .. Oren was an Artisan Elder. Those who had taught me in the Clan were Aunt and Dubois.

She was just asking me to give her a run down of what they had taught me when Mezoo arrived .. then Yamka. Our conversation became less personal then. Drifted to things that included everyone else.

They spoke of a celebration to be the next night. Of a young warrior Yamka had met and Tarra was teasing her a little of flirting with.

Mezoo was talking about the celebration to Yamka encouraging her to come .. the mating of Hanse and Jessenia .. about how it would be nice to wish them well together. I caught myself staring at her .. for my own reasons. Making a decision there and then I would probably avoid the fires during such.

Not because I did not wish them well .. but because things were a little too raw yet for me. My mood a little too dark for a celebrations of such things. It was better to keep that from others right now.

Yamka got my attention by speaking of seeing her father .. of a narrow escape and hiding out in someone else's camp. I told her she needed to speak to Ay of such things .. she said she would if she could get his attention. I told to make sure she got his attention. What she had to speak to him of was the safety of one of the First Fires .. that he would wish to know as soon as possible. She said she would wait for the celebration to be over and then try to find him. I told her she would find him as soon as possible. Celebration or no celebration. After she gave me her word she would do so .. I rose and told the others to be well and left to continue my walk.