What is this .. Love?

"People think love is a feeling, but it's not; love is an action. In marriage, you have to love actively because the feeling of love comes and goes, but the sacred promise is to be loving, not feel loving."

*Really Smart Anonymous Person

I do not know why.

I do not know if it is because the strength of my decision has not wavered. That I do not speak my word based on fleeting moods nor is it flavored with emotions that come and go .. tempers of fevered rage or mind numbing cold. That I have stood beside the woman I chose and with or without permission I have not deserted her nor have I disobeyed my Ubar. My word to him as solid and unchanging as my word to her. No matter what.

I do not know if it was the realization that this love he spoke of to me is nothing. That this love is a word full of lies and heartaches. That it is not courage nor honor. That this love means nothing save a silly emotion that people cast aside when it humors them to do so. That all that was said to me and held up to me as an example has crumbled like so much baked clay into dust. Once fertile ground now sewn with salt. Desolation .. where there was once hypocritical oath.

I do not know if it was because of the recent catastrophic loss the Tuchuk has suffered .. the dawning recognition of our face in the mirror of mortality. That there is just not enough time left for bullshit.

Whatever the reason .. whatever the motive ... Ayguili has given me Seveya.

Not because I submitted to the tyranny of maudlin ideals that have no place in the life of a Tuchuk. Not because I claimed a word that I have no belief in nor use of. Not because I argued my case well or threatened with the knowledge and strength I possess. No it was none of these things ..

... and I still do not understand why.