Between Me and the Sky

What transpired between myself and the Sky is probably a story in itself .. an epic tale of wrongs and rights and moments when you are not sure you can go on but .. you do ... and that is why you are still here to tell the tale. Of problems and solving them .. of heights and depths of character.

I am not proud of all that transpired .. of all I did. I sold a little bit of my soul .. not that I have much left to bargain with. But I had enough scraps that the Sky and I reached an understanding. A deal of sorts. Something lost for something gained. I doubt I will miss them much .. I really have not had a lot of use for them. Not even sure which pieces they were. I suppose I will come to discover those particulars in the coming hands and years.

I did not speak to Seveya about this. This was not hers to decide or even give an opinion on. It was between me and the Sky. She has my decision .. my will and purpose ... that is all I have promised her. The rest is mine to dispose of as I see fit .. and what I have gained from my loss? I consider it well worth the price.

I made it very clear to her how far I would go. What I would sacrifice .. who I would sacrifice. I made it clear to her that this thing within me would settle for no less than all I wanted .. even at my own expense. Especially at my own expense. That I will .. and have ... eaten through my own flesh for her. To stand on the other side of the wall was never .. can never ... be an easy thing for me.

I was tired. Feeling like I had been mentally and spiritually run over by a herd of bosk. Fitting I suppose. But with more of a sense of accomplishment than I had in a long time. A returned sense of control that emotions and circumstance had done such a good job of taking away from me. There was a sense of peace.

The kind of peace when you know you have given everything to attain the hardest and most coveted thing in your scope of reality. That all you have done .. is done. That there is nothing you or anyone can do .. and there is only to sleep while the storm rages around you ... for come what may you have set it all to right. Bled as much as you have .. given as much as there is to give and now there is only to watch and see if it is enough.

The Power of Decision

What I do know is that she is mine.

That I have claimed and taken what is mine.

And the why .. just does not matter.

What I do know is that I have made a decision.

I know.

What it means is that I am bound by all my internal rules .. all I know of courage and honor ... of pride and loyalty .... these tiny ribbons of purpose have bound me to her as one being. She is to be considered as me. In all my wants and desires.. in all my needs and plans for the future ... she is to be weighed and not found wanting.

And this pleases me.

What .. however ... drove me out under the Sky away from the Harriga and the First Fires was the reality of something so long waited for that it no longer seemed .. real. A form within the void. A shadow given features .. and no it was not the binding of my heart and soul to her. This had been done .. this had been consummated hands ago. No .. it was Ayguili making it official. It was realizing that now is when I would lose everything. As always.

The Ubar had spoken. What more was the Sky waiting for before it took all I had away?

So I rode out under the stars .. each one a brilliant diamond on a dark Turian silk night. They reached down and touched me with cool caresses. The moons swollen and bloated hanging heavy upon the horizon.

And I waited.

I waited until the first pale reaches of morning slowly crept among the stalks of grass until I could see each one individually. Only then did the great Central Fire heave itself into the Sky and gold shards of light break across the plains bathing me as I sat with my thoughts and waited for Fate to make her move upon the kaissa board sweeping all I had worked for away and resetting my Destiny once more. How many times could one man begin again?

There are only so many things a man can lose.

It was not my fear of her or anything she could do. It was the fear of myself. All that I am capable of.. all that I have done and will do given half a reason..

... and by the Sky this woman is much more than half a reason to me.

It is that .. I know. That I have found within her an ability to make me feel. I am drunk with it. I am intoxicated and addicted to it. I want it so badly that I can sense a loss just from the taste of it. And I know what I will do to attain and keep it.

And now it is mine. But for how long? How long will she be here before the Sky takes her away?

Driven by the very force and intensity of my decision I can feel the Sky plotting against me in the vibrations of the plains beneath the paws of my kaiila. I can smell it in the soil as it warms beneath the Central Fire. I can hear it in the whisper of the wind within the grass.

And I wait.

As I wait here under the Sky .. though one arm be tied behind me with those ribbons of decision .. the other holds my lance for I will not give her up without a fight.

What is this .. Love?

"People think love is a feeling, but it's not; love is an action. In marriage, you have to love actively because the feeling of love comes and goes, but the sacred promise is to be loving, not feel loving."

*Really Smart Anonymous Person

I do not know why.

I do not know if it is because the strength of my decision has not wavered. That I do not speak my word based on fleeting moods nor is it flavored with emotions that come and go .. tempers of fevered rage or mind numbing cold. That I have stood beside the woman I chose and with or without permission I have not deserted her nor have I disobeyed my Ubar. My word to him as solid and unchanging as my word to her. No matter what.

I do not know if it was the realization that this love he spoke of to me is nothing. That this love is a word full of lies and heartaches. That it is not courage nor honor. That this love means nothing save a silly emotion that people cast aside when it humors them to do so. That all that was said to me and held up to me as an example has crumbled like so much baked clay into dust. Once fertile ground now sewn with salt. Desolation .. where there was once hypocritical oath.

I do not know if it was because of the recent catastrophic loss the Tuchuk has suffered .. the dawning recognition of our face in the mirror of mortality. That there is just not enough time left for bullshit.

Whatever the reason .. whatever the motive ... Ayguili has given me Seveya.

Not because I submitted to the tyranny of maudlin ideals that have no place in the life of a Tuchuk. Not because I claimed a word that I have no belief in nor use of. Not because I argued my case well or threatened with the knowledge and strength I possess. No it was none of these things ..

... and I still do not understand why.