The Desert

..within the man

Of Paper Dolls

.. and nightmares

Of a Tuchuk Carnivor

Curio Doll

From strings suspended
A world upended
From all you knew before
I am the voice
your only choice..
The puppet master's whore

Eyes dulcet blue
I've stitched you true
Denial cannot hide..
Ocular pins
Of favorite sins
Hold your vision clarified.

Pretty poppet
Lonely cosset
What's in your garden fair?
A stained glass knife
Must drain the life
And not a memory spare.
A cricket's sigh
A love's goodbye
A tired starling's song
A raven's dance
Seen by chance
As the sparrow tags along.

Sweet marionette
Exquisite pet
What has brought you to this place?
Lullaby of dust
And playthings of rust
Dressed up in stolen lace

With painted cheeks
Your laughter reeks
Of tears you refuse to cry
Ribboned rings
And borrowed wings
In your attempts to fly

Pariah's tune
A wicked rune
Of micro managed sanity
Angel's lament
Is heaven sent....

But there is no reply.


© 2010

And the War Begins

.. anew

I Do Not Love You..Like I did Yesterday

As I look back .. weighing time and distance in my hands it feels as if so much has slipped through my fingers. There is a sudden increase in pressure in my temples and I feel a fear that I am not doing enough to value.. treasure... my time. But then memories and pictures begin to fill the void.. ease that pressure. So much packed into so little. Is it possible? I seem to have more memories.. more pictures in my mind than seems reasonable for the time I examine. How is it possible that I have shoved and packed so much into the moments?

The answer is simple. My mate Seveya is the difference. There is very little time for brooding.. loneliness... or bitter review of my life. Like a brilliant shaft of dawn she enters my night and chases away the shadows that creep about my thoughts. She seems to me to have more life than any one Tuchuk should have.. and she shares it willingly with those around her.

She is not just an Artisan by Clan. She is lives and breathes the colors.. she sees in creativity. A panoramic view of all the possibilities.

I did not loathe my life before I met Seveya. I am who I am and I am caught up in the same love of all around me.. like any Tuchuk. But I can say that my life did not contain that much color before. That much creative energy was not infused in my every day experience.

I can also say that at first it was a little unnerving to a man settled in his ways. I can say I was not always openly thankful for the infusion that interrupted my thought process. But I have come to value it. To look for it when it is not there.

I am a man who has a tendency to look back on life and regret time misspent. Time so full of the chores of living that it seems to have escaped me. My head down.. shoulder into the task. But this time .. I look back and I am shocked at how much that has been experienced in so short a time. There is no moment that I can say.. ah here I should have done something different. I would not change anything. In fact it seems a Spex's magic to me. Like taking the measurement of a wagon with my eyes and then stepping inside only to find it is five times bigger than it should be.

Today I look towards the future with an excitement that is new to me. An expectation of things to come. I do not feel the same about Seveya that I did yesterday .. and tomorrow? Sky only knows.

Ruffled Feathers

As I was talking and figuring out the direction of the future Seveya had wandered over to the Main Fires and both her and Silken seemed rather interested in said direction under discussion. I can certainly understand that .. it would impact them directly. It would flavor their lives in real ways and I am sure both of them were interested in putting their opinions on the table for just such a reason .. but neither one inserted themselves in the conversation. I know it was hard to hold their tongues but they did so.

And speaking of quality time with a certain someone .. there was just enough evening left to spend with Seveya and I directed her off away from the fires and the congestion of the harigga for a walk. A prettier night you could not have wished for .. even if it was a little on the cool side. The crisp air just gave the moons light a little more silver and we needed no more light than that to find our way.

Our talk at first centered around the discussion of the Grays and what that meant for the two of us. I was pleased she was happy with my decision to let Ash handle the reins of the Tribe as apposed to telling him I could do it better. We were both curious to see where Ash would lead us and how he would lead us. I am comfortable with the fact Seveya had no desire to push me towards any more power .. any more responsibility. There are a lot of women who would .. who would want their mate to take up such a position and find the shelter of it attractive to themselves. But not Seveya and .. I am relieved.

Could I survive if our priorities were not matched to the yoke well? Of course .. but it would be just that much harder and who in their right mind wants it to be any harder than it has to be? We were going to find enough forks in our trail to haggle over and I was glad this was not one of them.

We spoke of Silken and how jumpy she was .. whether or not she was all right and whether or not she was going to be able to shoulder all the burdens and responsibilities of the position Ash had just taken up. He has been doing it .. but it was not official and this put a new spin on it. There was going to be a lot for her to deal with both for herself as Ubara and as Ash's mate. The woman will suffer along with her man .. and believe me I know just how much suffering Ash has signed up for. Of course every man is different and perhaps Ash will thrive under the pressure. It is just not in me to want to guide and lead and watch over people when all they do is nag at me about how they want me to do it different. Which is why I never did finish the lessons Oren was so set on teaching me while herding verr.

I hate verr.

It was while we were speaking of the past and all the things I was hoping to side step as long as there was someone fired up to do it when I rubbed Seveya all up the wrong way and ruffled her feathers. It took her a moment to catch on I did it on purpose and that my eyes were laughing at her the entire time she strutted around throwing threats this way and that and she set to prophesying something fierce about certain people's near futures .. when she finally caught on and then all that got directed right at me. She blew my hair back with her response and that got me to chuckling deep inside my chest.

I can not help stirring up her embers. Adding fuel to those coals until they catch and flame up .. start to roaring and crackling. The woman I chose is one fine spirited Tuchuk and by the Sky I can not find it in me to waste an opportunity to wind it up and set it off.

Been There .. Done That

Now I guess I have been going along for a while just comfortable with how things are and not needing to throw myself into the business of others. I never was one to need to know things before everyone else and I am just as pleased to get the knowing at the same time. So it never bothered me that Ayguili was not throwing orders to me personally .. or changing the ones I had. I just did what I do every day and figured no new orders meant the ones I had were working just fine.

I have a great respect for Ay .. but as I have said he and I have had our differences and our friendship has taken a few hits here and there so he was not a man I sought out of late when it came time to socialize around the dinner fire. Now none of those at the First Fires is under my direct command and there was no need to go tell anyone what to do there either they do not appreciate it when I do and none of them have called on me for help with anything. So when I started getting the talk about Ash stepping in I was not too lit up to go and investigate it .. what for? As I said .. one way or another things would get to me eventually as to what I needed to do or not do as the case may be.

But finally curiosity got the better of me and I veered off towards the main fires. Now I have done that a few times here and there but did not happen upon anyone. This time I did however .. Silken had a huge bonfire going ... enough to be a pyre for some Ubar. Now it is coolish these days but we are north and closer to the equator than the Turian plains and things are not as frozen .. I mean that is why we come north to get away from the deep freeze south of us... but I guess Silken is feeling the cold this year.

She had not seen Ay .. she said for some time and I asked her if Ash was around and she told me he was due soon so I hung around some to ask him directly where the land lay and how we were to proceed through the coming days.

When Ash did arrive I asked him if he had claimed the grays seeing that Ay has not been around. He said no .. they were not his to claim. Well .. the thing is they are for any Tuchuk to claim. Any Tuchuk who has the balls and the strength to do so. That is how we do things and if you think you have it .. you bring it on and you either take the grays or you die trying. The question seemed to me to be rather strait forward .. as did my next question. Did he want them?

Well Ash set to hemming and hawing and it was like pulling a big fat molar with extra roots to get an answer from him. He wanted to know how I felt about it seeing as Ay left me as second in command. Well .. being Ubar holds no special place for me. Just none at all. I have been there and I have done that and got nothing for it. Nothing but a lot of headaches and shredded ears for all the chewing they took. Could I? Would I? Sure .. not in me to shirk a responsibility but since Ash jumped right in there and appeared to be doing a great job at it as well as liking the doing of it ... why not let him? I was certainly not going to challenge him for the position that he seemed to have taken up with relish. I just do not have a desire in me for it. And I told him so.

Well it still took me some doing to get out of him that he wanted it. That he would claim the grays and I was pleased enough to at least get a solid direction from him. I asked him what he wanted from me .. as in ... my position and rank. He told me to just consider myself as I was before .. to continue. I guess Ash felt that what worked did not need to be messed with .. or something.

So I mean to do just that .. continue. I do not know what changes and shifts the Tribe will take under Ash. Right now he is just feeling the newness of the position and getting it settled on his shoulders. Sooner or later he will begin to stretch out in it and see how it fits and that is as it should be.

Now for me there is just no shiny gold buried on the top side of those grays and even if there was I just have not even a tiny Paravaci inclination to have it for myself. The grays are a cruel mistress that take from a man and give little in return. They bleed him dry of most everything he has for the good of the whole.

Now I have something I do not want to be bled for. I have something that means enough to me to make me hesitate to sacrifice myself. As a single man I did my duty and served my time and bled all I have to give and now .. that kind of time and energy is for someone else. A one someone else that has pledged herself to walk beside me. She did not step into that place with me to watch me take care of everyone else while she sits alone. Would she? Sure .. she would give for the whole if asked but if there is no need? Why would I do that to her?

She needs me and ..

...I do not plan on letting her down .. not for one moment.

Of Leadership

Now things in my life have been going along rather well lately. Busy .. but then when has my life not been so? I have not had time for much other than my Command .. my Clan and Seveya. My commitment to her only growing stronger each day.

I have heard nothing from Ayguili in a long time. Nor of anyone else around the First Fires. I have been here .. just not seen a lot. No one has sent a message needing me .. calling me in from the herds .. or my wagon. I have received no message from the Ubar Ayguili to report and I have had my hands full with making a life for myself and I have not tracked him down either.

Now I have heard that Ash has been directing things lately .. the move specifically and perhaps other things. I have no knowledge of why or how .. perhaps Ayguili put him in charge of such things. It was never my place to question only to do as I have been given to do .. and I have done that.

If Ash has taken over for Ayguili I am sure he will let me know when the time is right and let me know if my orders have changed from those Ayguili gave me. Until then I will do as I have been .. follow orders and take care of my responsibilities.

If Ash has claimed the grays it will not be the first time my Command has changed nor will it be the last time I am sure. I am still a rather young man for a Tuchuk and I have a lot of life left to stretch out before me. The life span of an Ubar is not always that long and I am pleased enough to have survived the position myself and I mean to put the rest of my time to good use. However long that may be .. stuff just as much into it as I can.

smirk

The Move

and so begins the epic Tuchuk race north in the attempt to beat the snows and ice ..

.. did you see that? I swear I just saw a ....

Psst .. Fonce we are there..

huh ...and so ends the epic Tuchuk race north.

All That Tuchuk Slave in One Look

There is another woman in my life .. the slave Catch. There are times I overlook her or forget about her completely. I am afraid she learned that about me quite early on. But then there are other times when she impacts me .. creeps into my thoughts and I go hunting her down if she is not at my feet. She always seems shocked when I do .. as if I never do ... though I suppose I do understand her surprise for the whys and wheres are never the same nor do they follow any pattern that a person could study and anticipate. But that is my way .. it always has been.

Whether it is at the slave wagon I find her .. or standing beside the cooking fires. Whether she is taken as a sex slave or sent on some menial task. Whether I command her to me with a known secure tone to my feet or whether she sees me bearing down on her on kaiila and takes off at a run like a startled vulo .. a chase that always ends the same... it does not seem to matter. She always seems refreshingly startled. Perhaps it is something she has learned from the other slaves .. whether it is learned or her nature I find the heightened color .. the liquefying eyes ... the sharp intake of breath ... altogether attractive and enticing.

Catch is the only slave I have now .. the others gone here or there. She has continued to turn up though and presents little trouble to me which has allowed her to claim her place at my feet time and time again. And the pleasure of her there grows. The comfortable place she carves for herself with me becomes more and more secure. It would be hard for me to imagine my life without her .. which I suppose is the goal most slaves seek to attain but few reach.

It was sometime last spring .. when the flowers were abundant and the grass green and the Central Fire's warmth was a blessing upon winter cooled shoulders while the rains were still abundant ... when I began at times to allow Catch to sleep in my wagon. She has a place near the foot of my couch where Seveya and I sleep. Apart from us but within hearing of a whispered command to approach. Seveya can order her back to the slave wagon whenever she wishes the two of us to be alone .. but if the command is not given to sleep away Catch has her own small bed as a part of my wagon.

Now that command to approach our couch is never given by me in these circumstances. It is only given by Seveya as our bed is the one place that I will not take Catch sexually without the invitation of Seveya. Now in the slave wagon .. or anywhere else in camp it is my prerogative and I do as I please. It is not given often .. that invitation to our bed ... but when it is .. it is offered with the knowledge that all three of us understand the places each hold and no one will forget it.

Catch will never be my mate .. she will never bear me a child nor will she hold a place at my side shouldering the responsibilities .. the decisions that shape our future. Her future is decided by myself and I do not consult her on it. She must follow .. and not only me .. she must juggle my demands with Seveya's expectations of her. And she must do this with grace and poise and a tight rein on emotions and attitudes that I know and understand crop up in any human's heart .. but it is still demanded and expected.

It is a hard place to be .. a hard balance to keep ... and yet she does so very well in my opinion..

.... and mine is the one that counts.

Catch is the woman that .. should I feel the urge ... I will chase down from the back of a kaiila and strip and use her harshly wherever she falls to the bolo.. that I will throw over a water barrel in the middle of camp and use her until she begs for mercy ... always good for my ego ... and she is the one I will give to another man should the idea appeal to me. She is the public side of my sexuality .. the part that others know about ... see or hear or taste for themselves.

She is a slave .. but more than that ... she is a Tuchuk slave and she carries her burdens and privileges as a Tuchuk slave should. With fire and ice .. arrogance and submission ... in perfect balance.

And she shows her success in this with a glance she throws at you when she is not thinking about it.

I love that look.

And She Colors my Vision

I do not believe a woman has ever permeated my conscious the way Seveya does. She colors all my thoughts .. my daily routines and I find her lurking around every new task I set for myself. I take her with me constantly. As if she were there physically .. I find myself making mental notes of all the things I wish to tell her about when we have the time to stop and recount our day. There is not as much of a separation when she is not there as there has been in the past with others. I do not feel abandoned when our responsibilities take us apart from each other. I do not feel as if I leave her or she leaves me at all. And when we come together after the tasks are completed it is as if there is just a shift from internal dialog to external. Time flows easy .. there is not a wrench between coming together and parting. It all seems to click together. It is a new sensation for me. Something I am not sure of yet .. but I can not dislike it. It gives me a sense of peace. A sense of belonging and there are only moments here and there when I realize how different it is from how it used to be. Most of the time I do not even realize it or mark it as a thought.

It simply is.

Despite this comfortable coloring of my vision I still feel as if there is so much more to know about her. So much to explore. I am eager and hungry for all the nooks and crannies that I am sure exist that I have not found. And in my questing I have not been disappointed. There is always something new .. some new understanding of her that I feel as if I have never discovered before. Some reaction of hers to something I say. Some opinion or like or dislike to some new thing that we discover in our life. Some new person or event that as we discuss .. speak of it ... I learn something new about the woman I have taken as my mate.

How long does this last? Is there a point where a man feels he knows completely the woman at his side? Is there a point where there is simply comfortable knowledge and faith built on solid experience? Or is this something that goes on forever? I have never questioned such a thing .. I have never known it was a question ... let alone asked it. Who would I ask?

It is something I ponder.

Sex with Seveya is never the same. There is a constant thread .. a feeling or emotion? perhaps that connects it to her as a person but ... the act is never the same. There are times of gentle love making that surprise me .. for it has never been my way. There are times of brutal possession .. a hungry devouring of all that is mine to take. I can lose myself in her for moments or hours and it seems that one is not better than the other. If I did not know better I would say I was mated to more than one woman .. perhaps it is the same feeling for her I do not know ... but it is only one of each of us. My name is Fonce. Her name is Seveya .. I know her and there is not a time I feel as if she is someone else exactly ... but yet I can not explain the fact that I never know what to expect. There is never a plan .. something takes hold of us both and we simply move with it .. moments afterward filled with the verbal exploration of our .. trip. One of us or the other will say something like ...

"Were you planning that?"

"No."

"Who told you how to do that?"

"No one."

"Did you like it?"

"Yes."

"Well fuck .. Lets do it again!"

But .. even when we try to do something in the same way .. it never remains so. It will amalgamate and change .. shift and form into something new.

Like music. Music is music but there are millions of melodies.. songs. New ways of putting the same notes together until the repertoire is endless.

How is it possible for a man to learn so much about a woman .. every day something new .. both mentally and physically.. and yet feel so blind and foolish when it comes to the constant expanding horizon of all the things he has yet to discover?

Pieces

Have you ever seen an angry wet kaiila on a war path? That is exactly what I walked around the corner and directly into. It had two legs and beautiful eyes and two bandaged hands and .. was in the process of throwing a bucket of cold water all over me.

Now .. here was the very person I have been avoiding and upon seeing how angry she was I even pondered a moment skidding on a heel and making a run for it. There were just too many things that bubbled instantly to the surface and I had no idea how to get them into any semblance of order. The thought was brief however because my eyes barely had enough time to register and widen before the deluge hit me. It was what I needed though .. to shock me out of my own thought process which locks me up sometimes inside of my own head. And my lip curled itself into a familiar smirk .. a low chuckle starting to build deep in my chest as I wiped the excess water from my face as it tried to make rivulets down the length of my scars.

I started to speak .. "I did not go anywhere.. just" And that was when the bucket came sailing my way ..but I was expecting that one and caught in my hand before it had a chance to lay upside my head. And do not think for a moment that throwing things at me had any stifling effect on her tongue. No .. she was giving me a tongue lashing like we had been mated for twenty years. She words pinned my ears back and her little fists clenched as much as they could with those bandages on them. I suppose a better man would not have chuckled more and deeper.

But I am not a better man.

She shoved her burnt hands up under the curve of her breasts and arched a brow at me. She has no idea how beautiful she is when she is angry .. if she did she would withhold herself from me just to punish me. I am pleased she does not know because I would miss the sight of her like this.

I set the bucket down before I stepped closer .. tugging the leather gloves from my hands and tucking them into my belt as I watched her from the blackness of my own gaze. I touched the curve of the bone in her cheek with my calloused hands. "Do you want to hear this .. or would you rather I just sat and took it?" I meant that .. I deserved a trimming and if she meant to give me one I would sit and take it. But if she wanted to hear what I had to say I wanted her to have that .. not as any kind of excuse but I wanted her to understand me. Where I was at .. where my head was. But it was not as important as whatever it was that was going to bleed off some of her hurt and anger at me right at this moment. Well she chose to hear me out but I could tell she wanted nothing to do with my niceties and I better have some good words for her real soon or she was going to start in all over again trimming my hide down.

I was never really good at speaking up for myself. Usually I just tell it as it is and wait around to see if the Sky falls in or if someone connects to it. Using her own word for my action I said .. "It was a 'jerk' thing to do..it was not nice ... and I am not sorry."

Black gaze searched her eyes.. her features ... for any sign of her thinking I was a coward. Been there done that. I half expected her to accuse me of it .. though I had wagered all I had that she would hear me out and at least try to understand me. Not that I had any faith in it .. just betting on her for the pure hell of it.

She wanted to know what I meant by the words that I was not sorry. I told her that to say I am sorry for something means I would do something differently if given the choice again. And that was not something I could give her about this. I would make the same choice .. again.

She asked me why I left her behind .. well I had not really left her behind ... just a side trip that was all and I told her what I was up to .. basically without getting all dramatic about it. Odd thing was she seemed to be able to understand me instantly. To realize where I was at in my head .. the fears and concerns .. the rages and fevered tempers that had lapped against my conscious eroding my sanity. But here I was and here she was and .. she jumped into my arms and that was all it took. There was no more hesitation in me and I wrapped her up within the strength of my embrace.

There was only one thing left though before I could carry her into my wagon. I had to know .. I had to ask her after it all ... especially this ... if she was sure. If she had any second thoughts or doubts that this was where she belonged. Here with me .. come what may. Not all of it mature and considerate and thoughtful ... which I did not feel I needed to go into all that much considering she has been around me for a while.

If she always makes her choices known to me as she did then .. I will grow old and die a happy man.

Well I carried her into my wagon and threw her upon my furs and I was as happy as a tarsk in a pit of mud .. right up until it all started to hit me in a reality sort of way .. as in .... you can not just throw her into the slave wagon when you need a bit of space.

shit

What the hell was I going to do with all her stuff. How was I going to sleep with her next to me .. how was she going to sleep with me? I am not a quiet sleeper.

Speaking of sleeping .. furs ... sex...... children.

fuck

There was so much .. so many little pieces that needed to be fitted together like a puzzle.

A Fonce puzzle.

Clarity was like a sharp doubled edged blade glinting in the light of the fact that I had not planned anything out. So consumed with my inner turmoil that I had let the basic planning go all to hell.

And it all started to just fall out of my mouth .. the damn broken there was nothing to hold it back. But she did not shy away from the task .. she dug into it and started finding all the edge pieces and then filling in all the colors until we had a nice .. if not totally complete ... slightly bloody picture of our future. At least enough of a picture that I was not frothing at the mouth and having bone aching anxiety about adding this human to my life in a way I had not wrapped my head around yet.

We spoke for a long time. On so many subjects. They flowed in and out and lightly touched here and there .. the only thing to slow down the movement of our conversation was the touches between us. Hesitant .. exploring. As if we had never touched before. Possession put a new flavor on everything.

She was worried about one thing .. her tendency to lose her patience and act out .. as if something other than herself came over her and she knew only the need. Whatever that need may be at the time .. be it trimming my hide out of anger or the physical hungers I had awakened in her ... failing to sate them. I told her I did not mind. That .. today she had a right to be angry .. to vent... to question me. But never to assume I am something I strive so hard to avoid .. to accuse me without knowledge ... as that would cause a serious issue between us.

I think she understood.

This is How .. I Disappear

My Dearest Beauty,

You ask me .. what do I want?

I want you to understand me .. even a little.

I want you to see me .. when I am not there.

I want you to hear me .. when I do not speak.

I want you to feel me .. when I can not reach for you.

I want you to know that when you are not there .. I die a little. The amniotic fluid closes around me and the world seems far away and unimportant..

..your world.

It is not in me to seek out humanity. Even when I need to. Even when it is a fire that consumes me from the inside out .. I can not ask for what I need.

In fact I will seek out exactly the opposite .. for in what I do not need there is safety.

I wish you understood that.. you used to.

When you have been there and I feel a sense of comfort and trust there are times my guard is allowed to falter and I say or do some kindness .. some emotionally charged gift.

There is always a price to pay .. always.

I chastise myself for being so weak and making myself vulnerable. For allowing that boy to try to connect. For feeling .. for a moment ... as if you can be trusted with my dreams .. my aspirations and nightmares.

My Desert.

To pretend .. for a moment ... that you understand.

And you seem to understand in those moments .. as if a window has opened and you can see inside for the first time. You say and do things that lend to that mirage .. that haunt of understanding. But then it is as if you expect me to know better. To be a different person after that.

To suddenly not disappear.

As if the Desert no longer exists simply for the knowledge of it. To always be there when you need me. To tell you when I need you and not hold you accountable for when you do not pay close enough attention to realize when I am lost. To not punish you severely for your abandonment .. whether intentional or simply carelessness. And when I strike .. you cry out in your misery and suffering with accusations laid against me for my cruelty.

I am not a project to remake in your image. I am not a charity case that you can bring some "good news" to and I toddle off in my new found faith and shed my apathetic and sarcastic skin. I am not your convert. The Desert does not magically heal itself just because you are Beauty. You are what you are .. and I am what I am. You color my scope of vision .. you inject me with a drug I am addicted to ... but it has not changed who I am.

It does not change how easily I wander off in the Desert and disappear. It is my default. It is where I am safe and where I know the names of all the daemons and there are no gut wrenching surprises. No beatings .. no hunger ... no wounds from misplaced naive faith in flawed humanity. Where there are no charges laid against me for who I am .. where who I am is appreciated for the very survival techniques that you label as cruel flaws.

You still think it is a choice .. that I consider and choose this path. That at the point of decision I could make a different one. I could with clarity of thought move in another direction. That your intoxicating effect on me must shift the polar gravities of my reality.

But you fail to understand me .. yet again.

It is not a conscious choice ... it is simply my existence. If there is a way to go back to the beginning and remake the very cellular structure .. reform my DNA ... perhaps there is hope that I may be a different person. But .. would that be what you wanted of me? To be someone else? To not be .. me? You can not remake my genetic foundations .. or are you so narcissistically inclined as to believe that as long as you impact my life with your attention that it must be so? That to see and know you is to transform? If this is true .. if this is what Beauty does to a man than I am not a whole man for I have had no such transformation. I have sensed no such change within myself.

You are an addition .. something added ... something more. You are a gift .. but I am still here.

Me

My Dearest Beauty.. you ask what is it that I want?

I want you to know .. even when I am not there I want you to remember ...

Me.

Between Me and the Sky

What transpired between myself and the Sky is probably a story in itself .. an epic tale of wrongs and rights and moments when you are not sure you can go on but .. you do ... and that is why you are still here to tell the tale. Of problems and solving them .. of heights and depths of character.

I am not proud of all that transpired .. of all I did. I sold a little bit of my soul .. not that I have much left to bargain with. But I had enough scraps that the Sky and I reached an understanding. A deal of sorts. Something lost for something gained. I doubt I will miss them much .. I really have not had a lot of use for them. Not even sure which pieces they were. I suppose I will come to discover those particulars in the coming hands and years.

I did not speak to Seveya about this. This was not hers to decide or even give an opinion on. It was between me and the Sky. She has my decision .. my will and purpose ... that is all I have promised her. The rest is mine to dispose of as I see fit .. and what I have gained from my loss? I consider it well worth the price.

I made it very clear to her how far I would go. What I would sacrifice .. who I would sacrifice. I made it clear to her that this thing within me would settle for no less than all I wanted .. even at my own expense. Especially at my own expense. That I will .. and have ... eaten through my own flesh for her. To stand on the other side of the wall was never .. can never ... be an easy thing for me.

I was tired. Feeling like I had been mentally and spiritually run over by a herd of bosk. Fitting I suppose. But with more of a sense of accomplishment than I had in a long time. A returned sense of control that emotions and circumstance had done such a good job of taking away from me. There was a sense of peace.

The kind of peace when you know you have given everything to attain the hardest and most coveted thing in your scope of reality. That all you have done .. is done. That there is nothing you or anyone can do .. and there is only to sleep while the storm rages around you ... for come what may you have set it all to right. Bled as much as you have .. given as much as there is to give and now there is only to watch and see if it is enough.

The Power of Decision

What I do know is that she is mine.

That I have claimed and taken what is mine.

And the why .. just does not matter.

What I do know is that I have made a decision.

I know.

What it means is that I am bound by all my internal rules .. all I know of courage and honor ... of pride and loyalty .... these tiny ribbons of purpose have bound me to her as one being. She is to be considered as me. In all my wants and desires.. in all my needs and plans for the future ... she is to be weighed and not found wanting.

And this pleases me.

What .. however ... drove me out under the Sky away from the Harriga and the First Fires was the reality of something so long waited for that it no longer seemed .. real. A form within the void. A shadow given features .. and no it was not the binding of my heart and soul to her. This had been done .. this had been consummated hands ago. No .. it was Ayguili making it official. It was realizing that now is when I would lose everything. As always.

The Ubar had spoken. What more was the Sky waiting for before it took all I had away?

So I rode out under the stars .. each one a brilliant diamond on a dark Turian silk night. They reached down and touched me with cool caresses. The moons swollen and bloated hanging heavy upon the horizon.

And I waited.

I waited until the first pale reaches of morning slowly crept among the stalks of grass until I could see each one individually. Only then did the great Central Fire heave itself into the Sky and gold shards of light break across the plains bathing me as I sat with my thoughts and waited for Fate to make her move upon the kaissa board sweeping all I had worked for away and resetting my Destiny once more. How many times could one man begin again?

There are only so many things a man can lose.

It was not my fear of her or anything she could do. It was the fear of myself. All that I am capable of.. all that I have done and will do given half a reason..

... and by the Sky this woman is much more than half a reason to me.

It is that .. I know. That I have found within her an ability to make me feel. I am drunk with it. I am intoxicated and addicted to it. I want it so badly that I can sense a loss just from the taste of it. And I know what I will do to attain and keep it.

And now it is mine. But for how long? How long will she be here before the Sky takes her away?

Driven by the very force and intensity of my decision I can feel the Sky plotting against me in the vibrations of the plains beneath the paws of my kaiila. I can smell it in the soil as it warms beneath the Central Fire. I can hear it in the whisper of the wind within the grass.

And I wait.

As I wait here under the Sky .. though one arm be tied behind me with those ribbons of decision .. the other holds my lance for I will not give her up without a fight.

What is this .. Love?

"People think love is a feeling, but it's not; love is an action. In marriage, you have to love actively because the feeling of love comes and goes, but the sacred promise is to be loving, not feel loving."

*Really Smart Anonymous Person

I do not know why.

I do not know if it is because the strength of my decision has not wavered. That I do not speak my word based on fleeting moods nor is it flavored with emotions that come and go .. tempers of fevered rage or mind numbing cold. That I have stood beside the woman I chose and with or without permission I have not deserted her nor have I disobeyed my Ubar. My word to him as solid and unchanging as my word to her. No matter what.

I do not know if it was the realization that this love he spoke of to me is nothing. That this love is a word full of lies and heartaches. That it is not courage nor honor. That this love means nothing save a silly emotion that people cast aside when it humors them to do so. That all that was said to me and held up to me as an example has crumbled like so much baked clay into dust. Once fertile ground now sewn with salt. Desolation .. where there was once hypocritical oath.

I do not know if it was because of the recent catastrophic loss the Tuchuk has suffered .. the dawning recognition of our face in the mirror of mortality. That there is just not enough time left for bullshit.

Whatever the reason .. whatever the motive ... Ayguili has given me Seveya.

Not because I submitted to the tyranny of maudlin ideals that have no place in the life of a Tuchuk. Not because I claimed a word that I have no belief in nor use of. Not because I argued my case well or threatened with the knowledge and strength I possess. No it was none of these things ..

... and I still do not understand why.