First Son of Trayu

I do not think Asria even knew .. or knows ... that I know. She was to wrapped up in grief. I am not sure even Lei knows .. that I was there. Her focus is on her mother .. as it always has been.

A parent should not outlive their child.

A woman should not lose the essence of her mate .. twice.

But all is not as it should be under the Sky.

I want to feel .. I want to hold this pain as if it were my own. I want to place my loss of Trayu as my friend .. now the loss of his son as something I could have prevented. If I had just been there .. or if I had just been more.

But logic tells me that this is not my pain. This is not mine to hold and feel. I could not save Trayu .. I could not save his son.

There are so many I could not save. Why is this one bothering me more than any of the others.

I want to look at my hands and see the blood on them. I want to feel as if I have failed. I want someone to be angry at me .. for his death.

At least then I would feel as if I had some control over it all. Even if it was a failure .. it would not feel so ... out of my hands.

Instead I put myself into the task of getting their wagons ready to move. The little things .. the easy things. The things I can control. The wheels .. the straps ... the harnesses ... the teams of bosk. It seems so miniscule .. so unworthy in the face of all that has happened.

To everyone.

But it is .. as a man .. what I know how to do and something I can set the strength of my hands to and accomplish. And it is what I will do .. even while I rage at the fact that ... I have no blood on my hands ...


and I can find no one to blame

not even myself.

Here .. Without You

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything; just to get you back again
Why can we just try

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

*Rob Thomas

Silent Vigil

It was another great relief when I saw Oren and Astar working around their wagons. It was with a tired and sore heart that I brought them Seveya and Persephone. Though none of us were hurt badly .. we just needed that place to rest and find sanctuary .. just for a moment ... before moving on. Astar took Persephone and started to get her cleaned up and examined .. I brought Seveya down from the saddle .. to feel her in my arms was so overwhelming I did not even see Oren before she laid her staff along my calf .. reminding me to get Seveya off her twisted ankle.

I chuckled carried her to the steps and Ay came by .. to let Oren and Astar know where Mezoo was being held. He rose in my opinion of him for that. For taking the time to bring that knowledge to them in the middle of everything else he was doing. He has made a bond with Oren that will always be there .. no matter what. It is not bridged by Mezoo .. it stands solid between the two of them. Something that Ayguili himself had to build to repair his own mistakes. Something I see him still maintaining. Something I appreciate.

Of course Oren and Astar hustled off to be with Mezoo. Seveya collapsed in my arms laying her head upon my shoulder and I held her close to my chest .. feeling her cool touch against my heated skin. Feeling her heart's beat .. lulled by the frequency of it. It does not match my own. It does not even harmonize with my own. It is different and I am drawn to the independence of it. I could lay and listen to the rhythm for hours and never realize how fast the time was slipping by. Much like that night.

I did not want to leave them alone .. so I gathered Seveya up into my arms and I carried her .. Persephone's tiny hand on my thigh as we made our way through the wagons .. through the crush of people ... the horrific chaos of that night. It was Aod's wagon that I sought .. and found. The old woman seemed untouched .. unaffected by everything. Power of a Spex? Perhaps .. whatever it was .. her wagon was like a harbor in the storm ... the lee side of a wagon ... a place set apart from everything even in the very feel of it. It was an island .. and I delivered Seveya and Persephone into it with a relief I can not describe.

There is a woman I trust with my very life. A woman who saw me to the other side and back. You can not go with another human further than that .. and she proved someone with the strength of character to face it without hesitation. There is not a situation I can imagine that I would not feel privileged to have her at my back. I do not even know her name ..

she is Ogedaii's Bitch.

It was her that I sought .. her that I figured no one else would want... or trust. I knew I could have her undivided attention. I could have every bit of her talent for my own purpose .. should Ogedaii allow it. I knew he would ... I have come to trust Ogedaii and even Tao .. with nearly as much weight as I did Pacu. It was with the same assurance that I asked Ogedaii for the use of his Bitch that I had asked Ayguili for Seveya's bride price. Only it proved I knew Ogedaii better and he did nothing to surprise me. The Bitch was sent with me to tend to both Seveya and to Persephone. I am very grateful for that.. I will think of a way to repay Ogedaii. Some scrapes .. scratches .. bruises and some blisters on their hands. Seveya's twisted ankle. Aod presided over the entire thing as usual with her quiet and wise energy.

The Bitch and I do not speak much. I do not know if she speaks much to anyone .. perhaps Ogedaii. When her task was completed she was released to return to her master and whatever tasks he still had in store for her. I tried to take Persephone .. so we could go look for her parents. But she refused to leave Seveya's side. She tucked her little bandaged hand into Seveya's and just looked at me.. dared me to demand otherwise. I did not of course. Whatever bond was forged between them in the midst of all that tragedy ... I was not the man to attempt to break it. I left them there together with Aod to sleep and rest knowing she would watch over the two of them as I returned to the tasks still left to do around the makeshift Harigga.

It was not easy to leave her. Not after finding her. But it was that moment that I grabbed her up in my arms in the middle of all that smoke .. ash and chaos. That cut out picture ... that talisman ... that I carried with me when I did leave. The pristine quality of it gives the moment a kind of immortal clarity that I know will never tarnish or corrode. It has its own spark of life that takes no energy from either one of us. I want to find a way to connect to it .. to create a path to it ... so that I can find it any time I want to or need to. It is this formulation of intent that I allowed my thoughts to chew on as I pitched in with the terrible tasks that haunted and filled the next few days.

Elemental Management

I have written a lot about being a Haruspex. What it means to me. The ways of magics that are not magics at all but simple knowledge of the world we live in and the things we live here with. The more you know .. the less actual magic you use. Magic .. the parts of magic that are not natural ... take a toll ... take a bit of you each time you use it. Most of what I do is working with the natural elements that surround me .. not working against them. Working within them .. not just using them. It is my quest .. my goal as a Haruspex to ever learn the mysteries and intricacies of their ways and patterns... their harmonics. There is enough there that I will be studying them for the entirety of my lifetime.

When I found Tarra and Mezoo they were using their knowledge against the fire. But the fire was too big .. too powerful. It had a spiritual life of its own that was hard to nail down and define. I watched as Mezoo collapse with the heat and smoke and I rode strait for her .. throwing a leg over the pommel I hit the ground running and gathered her up hoisting her up on Tarra's beast and wetting my wind scarf from a bota on my saddle for Tarra to hold across her nose and mouth. Tarra with Mezoo .. and the Elders whipped their beasts ahead of the fire as I ran back to throw myself up on Rocca and I was right behind them.

The fire lunged without mercy as we raced for the fire break that Ayguili had the men digging up. It was a welcome sight .. that dirty scar cut into the plains .. suddenly beautiful. The kaiila took the jump eagerly .. anything to be away from the boiling flames that chased us.

We were not alone .. animals .. birds .. all manner of creatures both great and small ran with us .. ran beside and behind and before us .. all of them with the same thought that infested our own brains ... get away from the combustion.

Tarra and the Elders rode on for the wagons that were disappearing into the smoke over a small stream and beyond .. seeking a safe place..

... there was no safe place.

I asked about Seveya .. as if the need for knowledge of her was on everyone's mind as it was my own. There were no answers .. I knew there were no answers. I still had to ask. I still had to pretend I could rationally ask despite the fact I knew she was either ahead in the wagons .. or behind and fodder for the fire. I knew I could do nothing at this point either way. It ripped through me .. I never felt so out of control. So possessive without the freedom to feel possessive. It drove me a little insane. I set my mind on what I could do .. if she was alive ... the only thing I could do was fight that which threatened her. If she was dead .. the only thing I could do was to fight that which killed her and take my vengeance.

That left my focus on the fire.

The men were nearly anonymous .. grays and blacks ... shadow men that dug along the trench. Wagons moving .. pressing on away as far as they could get. Shadow wagons. The trench was good .. but it would not be enough. The fire was too big .. too fast ... it would jump it.

We needed more fire.

As insane as that sounds.

So I prepared to start a backfire .. between the trench and the flames. It would be small .. and it would eat all the fuel between creating an even bigger fire break than the trench. Ayguili said he would fall back .. and get the men to start a second trench ... there they would dig in and make a stand. I wrapped my cloth tunic around the end of my lance .. that fire was easy. I did not even have to think about how to do it as the flame flickered taking hold .. becoming a torch ... and I threw myself back into the saddle. By this time Tarra had returned .. Mezoo delivered to one of the wagons for a Healer to look after. I told her to ride Krim-ward and I would ride Rim ... and I spurred Rocca trailing my lance through the grass and starting the last thing anyone would ever believe we needed ... another fire.

Sometimes the best way to fight fire .. is with fire.

I am rather sure Rocca was convinced of my loss of sense. Though we had ridden into plenty of dangerous situations together .. I was with Rocca on this one .. not sure if we would be riding back out. As much as I consider myself rather good at stepping within the elements ... I am not stupid enough to underestimate their destructive power.

There was still no other choice to make.

I felt myself light up .. I felt all my own frequencies begin to harmonize with those of the fire. I felt the heat .. from the inside out instead of the outside in. I felt the energy begin to pass through .. instead of impact. Like a gentle breeze through the leaves .. stirring and moving ... but not shoving and displacing. Things slowed down .. I knew what I had to do before I had to do it. I was inside .. a part of it ... I understood it. What gave it life .. purpose ... where its weakness lay.

I learned to love it without fear .. so I could help destroy it.

To destroy the beast was a two part strategy. To provide the arena .. for the fight .. to corral the beast and contain it. And to step within it and change the very structure of it at its most base level .. at its genetic core. Weaken a seemingly simple strand of basic cellular structure ... and allow it to collapse in on itself slowly .. its evolutionary progress arrested.

It took us all .. as a people. The sweat and sacrifice of each man who fought that fire and each person who took the others to safety. Each person .. each child ... each woman and man ... each and every mind that rose in protest. Whether in direct opposition or in the care taking of others. Each one had their role .. each one would not have succeeded without the others. It was a people .. as one ... that conquered that beast and brought it down .. where it breathed its last. And then .. each person turned their eyes to the aftermath .. the care and clean up. The wounded and dead. The hurting and the sad.

Rocca and I rode out of the smoke and ash .. the soot clinging to every bit of us though we were uninjured. A couple of blisters on my finger where the most intense of the fire's energy had found a path of least resistance through me. That was all.

I was speaking to Ayguili .. when Tug came and told me that there was something wrong with his mother. That Tarra had bid him to find me. I started to follow him ..

And then I saw her. Like a lost shadow soul wandering with a limp through the chaos with Persephone in her arms. I do not think I have ever seen a more beautiful sight. A sight that I felt was like seeing myself .. safe and sound ... it felt that personal. I called out her name but I did not wait for her to respond. I jumped from the saddle and I grabbed her and Persephone into my arms and I did not intend on letting them go. Ever. Not at that moment. I took possession as I wanted and .. they were mine.

The moment was pristine. Clear and precise .. it was cut from the rest of the day .. from the rest of a lifetime ... and kept sacred.

But it was only a moment that was allowed .. before the crush of reality fell about us and I threw the two of them up on Rocca .. leading him as I followed Tug to where Tarra sat with Cana on the wagon bench. Cana .. was gone. Again. The mind is meant to do that. The mind is meant to protect itself. It was better for Cana to be where ever she was because where ever she was .. even if it was that place ... was better than here. Better than watching and hearing the screams of the dying .. the wailings of the living ... her Tribe family in such pain and loss.

Even if she had locked herself back into that place of desolate darkness .. I knew he was not there any more. I knew it was less of a holocaust than this was. Here .. it was her family ... there .... it was only her. Her mind was still fragile .. it needed this respite. I told Tarra that she needed to be put to bed with her children. That if she had still not returned by morning that I would come to her and speak to her. There was absolutely no way I was waking her up to this .. I did not want to be here ... if she was somewhere else?

Good.

Tomorrow would be soon enough.

Wrath of the Gods

Heat

A shimmer of gossamer wings flickering along the horizon.

Sultry

Beautiful

Deadly

Just the way I like it.

It was hot .. oppressively. Nothing moved. Nothing expended any more energy than it had to. Midday was silent .. heavy. The bosk rested with hanging heads and waited for the heat to break .. it always did ... sooner or later. Mornings and evenings found them marking heavy trails to the watering holes. Watering holes that were shrinking and disappearing. They always did .. this year it was happening before it was supposed to. The grass was dry and stiff .. cured and baked free of any moisture. The earth cracked where the grass roots did not hold it together .. like an old and weathered woman .. the seams scarred and furrowed across the face of the plains.

It was a chore to breathe. The heated atmosphere singed nostrils and filled the lungs with stale air that did not seem to carry enough oxygen for suffocating cells to make the effort worth it. The horizon wavered and shifted .. spinning easily with too much activity. Pulse throbbed sluggishly .. pounding in the temples. Eyes burned and sweat stung skin worn sensitive by dust and wind.

There was no respite .. the nights as miserable as the days. Sleep escaped even the most exhausted and drove the sanest minds to a breaking point. Tempers were short .. peace was a memory ... animals and humans were quick to jump at each others throats.

The gods must be crazy.

I thrived in it.

Shoving through it .. eating it up. The more it hurt .. the more it burned ... the harder I pushed. The more I felt the grit in my teeth .. the more I felt the sting of sweat ... the longer I worked. My body leaned out and honed down even more. Not that it was not always so .. but I lost the last bits of filler that I had built up during the easy winter nights lounging before the fire and eating thick bosk steaks. If the gods were crazy .. I was insane. I rarely ate .. just enough to keep me going and to add the salt I needed to keep myself hydrated. I drank .. a lot. It ran from my pours as quickly as I ingested it. I rarely slept. It was too hot to sleep.

Leather nearly too hot to touch. Metal gear could leave blisters if handled at the wrong times and in the wrong way. Men and kaiila suffered heat exhaustion easily .. but the bosk were not going anywhere fast .. they barely moved save to roll in the shallow dust bowls to rid themselves of the plagues of parasites that flourished. Sleen dug holes beneath the wagons and lay panting with eyes rolled back in their heads.

Thoughts stifled in the sweltering heat of day. There was no thought .. there was simply to power though each task .. push just a little harder ... the more it hurt ... the harder I shoved.

And then it happened.

We live with it .. it is a part of our lives every year upon the plains. We live with it .. and we die with it.

Plains fire.

Was it started by a careless human? Heat lightning? Or just the Sky finding the lack of activity below a deadly bore .. deciding to liven things up a little by tossing some tragedy out for kicks. It has been awhile since the Tuchuk were at war. Perhaps it was time to cull the herd too allow the strongest to procreate and sustain the integrity of the species?

Voyeuristic sadism at its finest.

It started small .. tragedies usually do. A flicker .. a spark .. a tender little flame ... so fragile ... so easily blown out. But that was not to be the fate of this particular flame. This little conflagration was destined for great things .. words like inferno ... holocaust ... rested in its future. It was fed by dry grass.. nurtured by a breath ... and whispered encouragement by the Sky.

Building .. preparing ... great gasps of life left exhales of billowing smoke and ash ... the great beast began to stretch and feel the power burning .. muscles stretching .... it could taste and it wanted more. It needed .. more. It would take .... more.

And just that easy .. it began its prowl taking the Harigga unaware ... sneaking up on heat numbed senses ... was an outrider just not paying attention ... lulled by the afternoon haze? What series of unfortunate events could cause the greatest Tribe on the plains to suffer from such a well known adversary as a plains fire? Whatever they were .. they spelled disaster in deceptively weak words scrawled out and signed off by the Sky herself.

The beast's roar the only warning before it swept down on the Harigga .. a cacophony of crackling .. rushing ... boiling ... molten death that took any path of least resistance .. swarming and overtaking quicker than a man or kaiila could run. Catching the people .. cutting them off from each other ... sweeping on and leaving some to stand unharmed in the middle of a patch of grass that was burned all the way around ... a patch of grass like an island of mercy ... but there was no reason or rhyme behind the beast's choices as it ravaged over others claiming some lives with scorching lingering death as their skin melted from their bones ... or others simply unable to breathe who passed into unknown and unfeeling places before the flames took their bodies.

A mother lay with her child .. her corpse blackened and unrecognizable ... her babe appearing to sleep peacefully in those horrific arms ... not a sign of trauma to his body save his lungs had refused to continue the painful draw of smoke laden air.

It was the screaming.

I was far away from the Harigga .. I had taken a few bosk from my own herd and I was searching for some better grass along the way towards where we had been planning on moving .. easing them along so the move was not such a strain on them. They were older .. younger ... the weakest of my herd that needed a little head start.

It was the wailing .. screaming ... howling cries from man and beast that reached me .. got my attention ... pulled my thoughts from the oppressive heat to bring my gaze to the horizon .. searching with sudden forced clarity. The grayish white billowing cloud that had started to burn black .. told me all I needed to know. White smoke was one thing .. tar black nasty exhales meant another. Meant a fire had found something more to eat than dry grass ... meant it was chewing on the only thing out there on the plains that was near ... Tuchuk. Wagons .. gear ... animals ... people. Us.

If I stayed right where I was the fire would roar right passed me. Rocca and I and the small herd of my bosk.

The thought to do so never occurred to me. Everything I lived for was back there. I was reining Rocca around and laying my spurs into him as another thought pierced through my brain .. Tarra and Mezoo had taken some of the Elders on a ride and they were going to be right in the path of the fire. I sent Rocca against every instinct we both shared .. right towards the flames .. coming at them from the side and riding fast.

Masquerade

Night-time sharpens,
Heightens each sensation
Darkness wakes and stirs imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses
Helpless to resist the notes I write
For I compose the music of the night

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender
Hearing is believing - music is deceiving
Hard as lightning soft as candlelight
Dare you trust the music of the night?

Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth
And the truth isn't what you want to see
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it aught to be

Softly deftly music shall caress you
Fear it feel it secretly possess you
Open up your mind let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you can not fight
The darkness of the music of the night

Close your eyes start a journey to a strange new world
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Close your eyes and let music set you free
Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darkest side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

*A.L. Webber

A Taste of the Black

So you thought you might like to,
Go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion,
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes,
You'll just have to blow your way through this disguise.

*Pink Floyd

Caught Dreaming

I'm falling through Angel's wings
And I see you
Far away through mists
I feel you
The tickle of memory
Now haunts me
The sensation never ceases
To kill me

Was I born today? It felt like it. That stretching blasting furnace of sensation that ..

... never ceases to kill me.

That sounds so familiar .. why would it sound familiar if I was only born that moment? How could I have memories if the chrysalis was only then .. rent and torn?

Born from what?

Born to what?

The desert.

I remember the desert.

There is comfort in the pain and silence of the desert.

A comfort it is hard to compete against.

Silence .. but I was not alone. How could that be? There is no one in the desert. The epitome of the desert is the alone .. the silence. But those were not my footsteps .. those were not my breaths. That was not the rhythm of my heart.

It was abhorrent to me .. and yet ... like a siren's call it piqued my curiosity. Who could this be that had invaded such a clearly uninhabitable place? Who would dare?

The scent of her brought the desert to life. Sand fell away ... drifting ... sifting ... giving movement .... allowing tongues to form and wings to stretch.

"Do not be frightened of him."

But the sleeping beast stirred from his lounged repose.

A slow inhale before he tasted the color and swallowed it.

A look .. a warning ... a shiver that reached across the desert in a heat wave that danced before the eyes like a mostly invisible specter of light.

Run

Would she listen? Would she heed? The desert took things in hand. A slap across the face ..

pay attention

Taste it .. feel it ... know it ... and ..

run

The beast had her scent .. he was on her in an instant ... tracking with a relentless unstoppable intent. Shoving space ahead and out of his way as he ate through the distance .. sucking color in with every drawn breath.

Do not stop running

Come closer

push .. pull

threaten .. manipulate ... control

stop? no .. do not do that

anything .. but that

Once more the desert stirred and sand drifted and shifted and stepped in between.

A collective intervened.

A team .. effort. A self destructive move upon the kaissa board.

But it was too little too late for a complete victory.

Take her there

No not there

Yes there

You were too late

She still breathes

Lay her down .. give her some room

She is bleeding

She will be all right

How did she get here?

She was dreaming with your key

How is he?

He is down

Did you kill him?

I could not

It is good

He is wounded

He will survive

But it hurts ...

Hush child it was for the best.

Self Discovery

"I came looking for you to tell you I am riding away from the Harigga for a few days."

She surprised me with that. Words spoken as she joined me at one of the Clan fires. "Away from the Harigga? why?"

She told me of a trip she had planned to take to Echo Canyon. Something she had wanted to do and now she had a task that went hand in hand with that quest .. complimenting it. I studied her for a moment before I nodded and asked her .. what she might need from me.

She said she would be gone for a few days .. and that what she needed from me was to bring her home .. if her absence was longer than that.

I gave her my word.

I did not ask .. but she told me that four others would go with her .. including Orahjinn. That pleased me. Gave me some assurance in the middle of it all. Despite my comfort and trust in her abilities ... it was good to know she would not be alone.

I asked her if she had spoken of this with Ayguili .. not only because the two of them were in the process of speaking of their future together .. but because he was Ubar and she was of the First Fires. She said she had spoken to him of it .. but that lately his time had been taken up by others. I told her I had not seen him in some time myself .. but then I had also not been around as much either which might account for part of it. I told her that .. if he was aware ... that was all I asked for. The rest was whether or not she wished to connect with him before she left.

We spoke of Ba'atar's death .. of his family. I asked her how long she needed before I came looking for her. She asked me to give her a hand.

She told me to take care of the Harigga for her while she was gone .. I told her that was no problem for Fonce of the Tuchuk.

We kept it light .. no digging around in each others issues ... painful or otherwise. It was good to talk to her .. without all that. It was good to connect with her .. even if it was brief.

I wonder what Mezoo will find out about herself in the Canyon of Echoes.

Temptation's Tease

When we left .. Seveya and I ... I pulled her aside away from the lamp's and firelight into the shadows ... I heard her boots scampering behind me as she tried to keep up before I jerked her around and up against a large rear wheel. I heard her backside collide with the solidity of the wood before I stepped in and up against her .. until I knew she was caught securely between that wheel .. and a hard place.

I cupped her cheek with a rough callused touch and I sought her mouth with my own. My touch turning into a grip of her jaw .. demanding ... restricting as I took my fill of her mouth .. the taste of her.

Kissing her is like a fine Turian liqueur .. a sweet glaze across my tongue but .. not filling. Alcoholic in content .. a rich wine to the senses ... but it is clear that it is only a precursor to the real meal.

A meal that is not mine to partake of .. yet.

I needed to be there with her. I needed to feel her. I wanted to feel her skin against mine .. I wanted to feel it grow warm and pliable .. as it melted beneath the heat. I wanted to dig my fingers into her .. feel the brief restriction before she succumbed to the demands of my touch. I wanted to ground my reality into her until that is all she knew .. from the inside out.

Every gasp .. every shortened breath ... like a soothing seducing whisper to my baser desires. A beckon and a welcome ... a wagon's lamp light after a long cold day in the saddle.

I tried to talk it out .. I shoved my forehead against the spoke of that wheel near her ear until I felt the bite of the wood's grain into my skin ... focus .... I had to focus.

I was having no trouble focusing at all. I could smell her ... I had tasted her and I knew ... without a doubt .. what pleasures she offered me without even knowing. Without knowing she could .. or would ... or what it even meant. Her innocence only made it worse. It is a heady intoxication to a man.

But that is not what I wanted to focus on.

She could not know .. the things I have done. The pleasures I have taken at the expense of another ... the violence ... the destructive desires ... the satisfaction of causing pain. She only knows one thing ... the restraint ... the tease of sexual frustration. A pure and simple .. desire. A beautiful fragile kind of wanting of another that floats on an easy breeze of light hearted music. It talks of gentle kisses and explorations ..

She could not know what I offered .. what I wanted ... what I knew how to do.

She tormented me with a cool .. inexperienced touch of small fingers. I grabbed the spokes radiating out on either side of her and I held on for .. her dear life.

I know sexual desire. I know what it is to seek sexual release. I know what it is to use a hole to shove my cock into .. all the better if she is pleasing ... if she knows a little ... gives back a little.

But this .. with Seveya is different.

I can not explain easily what it is like to .. feel. It rips at my guts .. like a bestial growl deep within my lungs I did not even know I had within me ... it crawls to the surface and through my chest. I want to devour .. consume ... to make mine in every way a man can imagine ... to humiliate .. control ... possess. I want to ravage and rape and in the middle of my meal lift my bloody jowls to the Sky and scream of my triumph. I want to lift shredded pieces of her flesh upon my fists and demand the Sky look .. see ... acknowledge me as an opponent worthy of notice. It eats through my muscles .. it rises like acidic bile in my throat ... it leaves the aegis of my lids heavy with all that I wish to do to prove my strength .. my power ... my vitality.

I fought hard for focus .. for control ... the kind of control that would save her from me. I talked .. against her ear.. I explained ... some of what I felt and what I needed. Leaving it at .. wanting to be with her .. touch her skin ... to feel her against me. I asked her if it made her feel less .. because I wanted these things .. now. She told me it did not make her feel less to be with me .. unfortunately that excited all my possessive urges again.

Try something else Fonce.

Control .. it was the key and I took it. Sating some of my baser instincts with teasing her. Making her squirm with a few simply touches .. a few whispered words against her ear. Things that would not break any honorable promise of care and restraint ... a lure with promises of things to come. Testing her restraint instead of her testing mine. It fed me .. a little. Enough that I did not forget myself .. I did not tear her apart or destroy her ... or my honor. I took my pleasure from her empty ache .. her need ... the smell of it on her skin ... rising like a heady musk that told me all I needed to know about her suffering. I fed the sadist in me .. by holding it all back from her .. only painting a few pictures she could connect to and ... feel.

fucking bitch

I wanted her to feel it .. to need it ... to feel her body clutch at it .... to want it so bad she would be willing to do anything to get it. I wanted her to feel the rage building up inside of me as if it were her own .. as if it originated with her. I wanted her to feel the fever as it took hold and consumed the marrow of her bones. I wanted to smile .. laugh .... I wanted to thrill at her pain. I wanted to own it .. hold the throbbing pulse of it in my hand. It was the closest thing I could get to .. what I really wanted ... that night.

A More Quiet .. I Know

What had seemed long .. was not really all that long ... before I palmed the windowsill and climbed over into the desert. I refused to meet Cana's eyes. My feast was too recent .. she would know. Tattered remnants remained .. like torn vestiges of her torment ... in the black vortices of my gaze. I did not want her to know .. or understand ... that all she had just lived through ... was now inside of me. It was fresh and I could still taste the metallic soot on my tongue. The rawness of it would fade .. but right now ... here in the desert ... there would be no way to hide it from her.

She was embracing Also .. and Marrianne. Neither of these two did I wish to know fully of what I had just done. It was better they did not. For not only had I taken .. but I had taken without mercy. I had tortured .. I had exacted my own revenge with no betterment to anyone .. but my own angry and thirsty sword of vengeance. It was sated .. for a few moments. That pleasure was not one I would ever give up easily.

I got my bearings and started leading them back through the desert. The trip back was long and hard .. though the desert was still empty. Her residents wary and silent. I had to carry each of my traveling companions off and on. Also was exhausted .. Cana worn out. But it was the four of us ... together .. finally reaching the edge of the desert. This time the edge appeared as a bridge .. a bridge to the plains beyond.

This is where we parted from Cana .. she had to find her way back to her body. She had to find her own reasons to wake up. I hoped that Tarra.. or someone ... would be there for her when she did. So she could see a human face .. feel a human's touch ... and know she was back where she belonged.

When I stepped free of the dream .. it took me a moment to free myself of the feelings and emotions .. the place clung to me still. I carried the sleeping Also from my Spex wagon across the First Fires to Cana's wagon. Ducking within I was relieved to see she was conscious and speaking to Tarra. I laid Also beside her and the boy shifted to curl against her without much disturbance in his sleep. I asked Tarra how she was .. as if she was not there listening. I asked of her physical body .. and as if I did not hear the protests of Cana ... I told Tarra I would think twice about feeding her.

Figured keeping her weak and manageable was a good idea.

Cana let Tarra know that Ba'atar would not be returning. Tarra did not look surprised. I told her I would let Ayguili know and it would be up to the two of them when to give it to the Drummers.

I was tired .. mentally exhausted. I had so much energy that was not my own that I needed to shed off .. get ride of ... allow to return where it belonged.

Cana spoke of the children .. of the things I had placed around her. She asked me to dispose of the mask .. as if she knew I would know what to do with it. Not only who it had belonged to .. but where it should go. I unhooked it from the belt she wished to give Also and I rolled the leather mask in my fingers .. telling her I would see it was done. She saw nothing that belonged to the little spex and I told her that the girl was alive ... here in the camp.

Tarra excused herself .. and Cana thanked her for all she had done ... but then Tarra said a strange thing. Instead of allowing Cana to thank her she refused her that one offering and told Cana that she had not done anything. I do not know why she would treat Cana that way. Refusing such a simply offering of thanks at a time like this. Why she had to reduce what she has done .. sitting with Cana for hours .. watching her ... being there when she woke and any other number of things ... why she had to reduce that to a nothing. As if Cana was not important.

There are things about Tarra I will never understand. I assured Cana .. that Tarra had not been correct .. that she had done many things for Cana. The biggest of which she had been there by her side rarely leaving it. Always making sure someone was near. I wanted Cana to know .. to understand ... but she did all ready. She knew Tarra well enough to know that her words of nothing .. were not true. That she had tirelessly offered herself to Cana's care .. Cana knew ... because Cana knew Tarra.

Cana and I spoke briefly of the place she had been. The concentration of it .. the separating of good and bad and then tipping the balance towards the negative. I told her it was not a place she should be. It was not a place for her.

I know that Cana created that place .. not what haunted her there ... but the place. I know she has a darkness inside .. we all do. I know she can not live in denial of that any more. Cana insists on separating the good and the bad. She insists on feeding the good and that is what makes her the kind of person she is. But .. we can never quite destroy the bad ... never quite annihilate the negative. Certainly not by denying it exists. Denial is one of its favorite foods and it can grow strong and powerful on that mother's milk. I do not want Cana to change .. I like Cana the way she is. But there is a deep anger and unhappiness that is growing .. building ... creating. Though I would never .. ever ... want her caught in a place like she had been ... perhaps by being caught there and coming to realize that place exists in her ... she will be able to deal with it ... get it out ... shine a little light on it.

It was then that Seveya came with a soft call to me .. and I told her to come in after making sure it was all right with Cana. I was relieved to hear her voice for my conversation with Cana had begun to take on a little more of a personal vein .. in regards to those who know those places. It was not a conversation I wanted to have with her so soon after doing what I did there.

It was not perhaps the perfect time .. but I do not get a lot of time with Cana recently .. I wanted her to know the biggest change in my life recently. I wanted her to know because she is one of my best friends .. one I have gone to repeatedly with questions and frustrations about the ideas of love and relationships. I also wanted Seveya to understand that Cana was indeed .. one of my best friends and always would be. I wanted Seveya to understand how important Cana was to me .. that who she was to me would never change or grow less important no matter who I had standing beside me as my mate and I hoped she felt the same about me ... no matter who she stood beside as their mate.

I told Cana that I had offered to pay Seveya's bride price .. that though Ayguili had refused to give it to me ... it had not changed my mind. Nothing was going to change my mind. I had made a decision. A decision I am rather serious about. Seveya was the woman I had chosen to stand beside me .. come what may. I meant to share all I had with her .. everything.

I told Seveya that if I could ever say I loved a woman .. it would be Cana. I would always protect her .. from everyone and everything ... including myself. Especially myself. She was someone I could love .. enough ... to never show those pieces of myself.

It was a lot like my conversation with Ayguili. I do not think Cana understood .. but it does not change the fact I felt I owed her my words. My words changed nothing .. I am still in the same place I was before my words. But I can not keep my words simply because no one can understand them. I had to share the "I know".

Though this one was a much more quiet version.

And the Desert Weeps

We were old friends .. he and I.

Perhaps he wore a little different skin .. perhaps his motivations and desires were colored slightly by Cana's imagination .. conjured up by her mind and the grief and loss she was connected to through Ba'atar. But we knew each other .. knew each other well.

"You can not kill me."

"That is a lie." I reminded him.

"You need me."

"That is a lie." I reminded again.

"Only the strong survive."

"I am stronger than you." I reminded him.

"That is a lie." He accused me.

"Test me." I challenged him.

"I want to live." He bargained.

"There is only one way to live." I stated.

"I do not want to die." He hesitated.

"You may live." I offered.

"I am cold." He pleaded.

"I offer warmth." I pitied.

"You love me." He accused.

"Always." I promised.

"I will return." He threatened.

"I am self-control." I countered.

"My souls." He queried.

"They are welcome." I offered quarter.

"Where?" He questioned.

"The desert." I answered.

"I am afraid." He confessed.

"There is only one way to live." I reminded.

"Speak my name." He submitted.

"It is not that easy." I chuckled.

"It could be." He reminded.

"Not today." I stated.

"Why?" He questioned.

"I warned you not to touch her." I explained.

"He allowed me." He wept.

"He is not who stands before you." I struck.

"He was not strong enough." He defended.

"I am." I stated.

"You can not know." He was afraid.

"I know the beginning .. and the end." I reminded.

"Say my name." He pleaded.

"There are natural consequences." I informed.

"That is a lie." He accused.

"Today I make it true." I promised.

"Say my name." He begged.

"You must feel." I pressed.

"No I can not feel." He panicked.

"You will feel." I demanded.

"You can not make me." He hoped.

"Today I will." I pledged.

"That is not the rule." He tried.

"The rule has changed." I informed him.

"Why?" He choked.

"You touched her." I answered.

"I know her." He countered.

"That was his mistake." I reminded.

"I know her." He scrambled.

"She will never know you." I promised.

"You break the rules." He accused.

"They are mine to break." I grinned.

"Say my name." He cried.

"In time." I spoke.

"Time will cost you." He threatened.

"I am prepared to pay." I confirmed.

"What is worth that cost?" He questioned.

"Vengeance." I snarled.

"Please do not hurt me." He pleaded.

"It will not last." I soothed.

"You will never know love." He prophesied.

"This is worth it." I whispered.

"I could take you." He rallied.

"You would have to kill me." I smiled.

"I do not want to be alone." He prayed.

"Never alone." I promised.

"Make me feel." He succumbed.

"Come closer ... "

The Margin of Desolation

Abomination .. Desolation ... Waste. This Nothing .. was not ... my Nothing. This Nothing is not a Nothing that I fear. My Nothing .. is a whole different critter all together.

Do not get me wrong .. I say I do not fear this Nothing ... that is not to say I do not respect it. It is powerful and dangerous and can take everything you love and respect from you in an instant of unawareness. This particular Nothing was one of the strongest and most desolate I have ever come up against. Cana has some seriously deep crevices in her mind to be able to conjure this kind of Nothing. I do not think many people know that about Cana .. I am not sure Cana knew that about Cana ... I think Cana knows that now. The knowledge itself can be a difficult thing to accept and move on from. If she asks me about it later .. I will help her.

Later .. I say that like I knew we were getting out of this. Fact is I had no such clear assurance at the time.

The dense air of insects were maddening .. crawling through my nose ... lodged in my throat .. I could not blink them fast enough from my eyes as they clung to my eyelashes. But just when I had almost forgotten why I was there .. the need to breathe nearly taking over my entire thought process ... I heard her whisper my name. It was enough to bring me back to the reality of my quest .. enough to remind me. I told her to say something ... because I could not see to find her. I doubt she believed it was really me there ..

Talking was just as bad as breathing .. the insects filled my mouth and at first I tried to spit them out but it was useless .. I finally just dealt with it .. they burst and crunched between my teeth as I tried to get Cana to keep talking so I could find her .. moving forward .. that is when I ran into the cage .. falling back hard into the waste .. the little daemons swarming over my arms as I struggled to get back to my feet .. a sticky warmth from my forehead easing into one eye.

I crawled forward .. slower this time through the fetid swamp of horror ... feeling the slick slime of wasted sinew mixed with ash and soot over skeletal features beneath my fingers ... sinking through it until I felt the solidity of bone beneath that supported my weight.

"You came."

"Of course I came." Ever practical despite the clogging insects filling my mouth. Ever the irreverent one .. I suppose that is why I continue to find myself in these places. Something to think about later.

I found the bars .. and reached my hand as far as I could through them .. seeking to find a touch of her ... allowing her to reach for the touch of me. I pressed my forehead to the bars ... despite the pain from the cut .. when I felt her fingers close around mine with a fighting desperation. That spirit she still had .. was all I could have asked for. It meant we just might make it out of here together.

I told her Also was there .. well not there but close ... I wanted her to have something more to fight for than herself. I wanted to stir every mother instinct in her and she has her share and more of that particular sense. If I could pick a woman .. that I considered the epitome of motherhood ... it would be Cana. But then I am biased .. she has adopted me.

I tried to spit .. but it was a useless gesture ... it only made the cluttered writhing feel of wings and legs in my mouth worse. I tried to breath .. but the weight of them at the back of my throat only increased and I choked and coughed.

I asked Cana if she had tried to get out .. I could not see her or the cage ... my eyes were full and the feel of living grit was like sand every time I blinked. She told me she could not .. get out ... the latch to the thing was somewhere beneath ... the cage would have to be tipped to allow for fingers to reach and release.

I told her she would have to let go of my hand .. so I could rock the cage up off the ground. That she would have to locate and release the latch while I did so. I felt her hand slip away from my own .. I heard her slide back so that her weight was away from the side I was going to try to lift. It was hard to let her go .. but it was necessary if I was going to get her out. I shoved my shoulder into the bars and I dug my boots into the offal around us .. attempting to find a foothold. My boots would slip and I would have to seek another hold .. and I shoved against the bars as hard as I could. The cage rocked .. started to lift ... then I lost my footing and it came crashing back down and seemed to settling into the filth even more solid than before. But I did not give up .. I set my shoulder into the steel bars once again and I let all the strength within me build for one final expression of muscle.

It seemed like every bit of that muscle was on fire as the cage lifted .. I heard her fumble with the lock .. I heard it click and I heard her cry out that she had gotten it. I growled through my clenched jaw for her to get out .. I was not sure how long I could hold the cage .. as it was it felt like my insides were burning through my skin with a rage of hellish heat.

I heard her skitter through the rotting flesh and broken bones as she slid out from the cage like a beetle in dry leaves. I realized then that the insects were gone .. there was still the stench but .. things had shifted ... the ground was on fire as if the swamp was combustible with an internal flame of its own. I let the cage crash to the ground and I dropped to my knees gasping for breath and it felt like every bit of connecting tissue I had was stretched to the limit.

Cana curled up in a ball .. a backlash of getting free of the cage ... she started to cry and I crawled to her and wrapped her up in my arms .. resting my cheek against her hair. It was an overwhelming feeling .. the knowledge that she was there .. safe. I knew I still had half the journey to go .. but I still felt as if I had conquered the world at that point. Everything was going to be all right.

Emotions broke loose in her as she felt the tight embrace .. felt safe enough to let some of it go. She said .. over and over again ... "You came .. you came".

I told her... "I will .. always come. No matter .. no matter what or who .. you must know that I will always be there."

"You didn't have to .. but you came."

"I had to .. of course I had to. There is no other choice for me .. do you not know this? Do you not know .. how I feel ... about you?" All the strength of who I am as a man vibrated through my tone. Was it possible that she did not know? Was it possible that she did not understand how much I had pledged to her as a person .. as a woman ... a woman that I looked to for strength of character .. to be the vessel of children. A woman who had touched me in those ways more than once and given me a sanctuary of kindness at times when there was no other. She never failed to offer me succor .. offer me honesty ... no matter who she was mated to. She had always been there as my friend and how could I not value that? No one had forced her to place herself in that place for me .. that mothering spirit ... given to me as a gift. No one had forced her to offer to adopt me.. words that though said in joking ... meant so much to me. No one had said she had to .. she had simply given it and what orphan could resist such a thing? What motherless waif could turn away from such a tender spirit offered with no condemnation? She had forged a place with me that would never fail .. that could never be brought down or torn asunder.

But she said .. "no."

I shoved her away from my chest .. taking her face into my hands and brushing the wisps of hair from her eyes and her cheeks. I wanted her to understand .. I wanted her to hear my words and know them. To never forget who she was to me. "I was never meant to be at your side .. to be ... that .... for you. That place is meant for others. But there is no other woman I will ever feel this way about. That I want to be all those good things for. That I need in my life like I need you."

She asked me if I remembered .. that time I came back from the Ubar's quest and I was starved .. a shell of my former self ... and she had offered me a bowl of stew. She told me she had felt a connection then .. something bonded between us.

I know she felt my grin in response as it disturbed the line of scars beneath her fingers. "I will never let all the things I am .. ever hurt you ... Cana." And I meant it. I would give my life to protect her from any darkness .. especially my own. It was the greatest gift I felt I could offer her .. to never let her know me .. all of me. "It is the way that I have to love you."

"Have you ever hurt me? No. Someday, I hope that you learn, that even in your life, there has to be some light. A beacon to guide you away from some of that darkness that haunts you."

Her words touched me. I needed that in my life .. I needed her to be that epitome of good and right .. that light. I knew I would never walk away from the darkness .. it was a part of me. But it was good to see the light in the distance and know .. there was someone out there in it.

Just then the air became charged with electricity .. it sparked and crackled with intensity .. she asked me if I could feel it. The darkness was losing some of its hold here but .. it was coming ... and I grabbed her face and I sought her eyes with my gaze. "Cana .. you have to listen to me ... Ba'atar is dead ... I need you to let him go." She knew .. I could see it in her eyes and I shoved the map into her hands. "Use this .. use it backwards ... it will take you out .. there is a window ... Also is there keeping it open. Go to it .. and do not look back."

"I won't go without you! I will not abandon you in this place!"

"You have to .. I need you on the outside ... I need you to find Also in the desert." I pulled her closer and kissed her eyelids. "You must let me deal with him .. I know him so well you see."

She grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "You will follow .. promise me you will follow."

I told her .. "I am not meant to stay here .. I will be right behind you ... but you must not look back .. swear to me now ... you will not look back." I was desperate .. there was one thing I could not have her see .. one thing I needed to save her from ... "love enough .. not to look back."

She reached up to kiss my lips and told me .. "I will love enough for that and I promise I will not look back."

My breath caught .. there was something between a groan and a sob that tore through my chest. Everything she had always been for me .. epitomized in that moment of her blessing. Everything I had believed her to be .. all the good and right ... all that I understood of a mother's love that I never had ... solidified for me. I felt like I could do anything .. anything good ... and everything bad ... anything that she might need of me. I could do all those things that other men could not. I just could not allow her to know .. or see them. "Go .. now ... hurry."

She took the map in her hands and she ran .. I followed her long enough with my gaze to know she was well on her way before I turned to face the darkness that was forming.

A rare .. and genuine ... smile curled my lips.

Swarm of Darkness

Darkness .. death ... decay ... it has an odor. It has a life within itself. It has a power and a breath .. to me it is not ... a nothing. These places .. are like putty .. clay ... to the creative power of our minds and will make and remake to fit our ideas of death itself. I can not know .. completely ... what this place was like for Cana. I can only tell you what it was for me.

And despite my familiarity with it .. it is never an easy thing to experience. You lose a little .. of yourself ... every time you do. You can not come to a place like this .. and not have it leave its mark on you in some way.

The warning .. had filtered through the window ... but it was nothing like the experience of the other side. It hit me with a full force and drove me to my knees .. choking and retching as it clogged my air passages and caught in my lungs. Slowly the panic .. the need to breath ... eased as I kept my breath shallow and slow .. despite the first anxiety that ravaged through my conscious. I pulled my wind scarf up over my nose and got to my feet. Careful .. not to breathe too deeply or I started gagging and retching again.

I checked my map .. and started out across the desolate soil .. the smoke and ash rose around my boots with every step .. the crunch of bones beneath my weight .. bones and skulls buried in the burnt waste that littered the ground. Fingers closed around my ankle and I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat .. the revolting feeling ... as I bent to dislodge myself from the rotted grasp. Only to move on .. and on ... through it. More of it. Spent humanity in varying stages of decay .. broken dreams .. shattered hearts ... dark emotions that settled on me as a weight over my shoulders ... anger .. jealousy .. hollow ego .. desperation .. pity ... horror ... base desires .. primordial rage vented through sexuality.. the need to dominate with strength and power ... but power empty of honor and courage.

The weight was intense .. almost more than I could stand ... increasing as I ventured further until my boot slipped on the smooth dome of a skull and I went crashing down on one knee. The pain was sharp and lanced through my thoughts as it felt like a million tiny daggers drove up under my kneecap. I swore .. but the words ... as they left my mouth fell in a mist and formed into little daemon like beings. They attacked my legs as I lurched back to my feet ... biting and scratching .. clinging and sinking fangs deep into my ankles and calves through the leather. I swatted at them .. trying to kick them away form me ... but they easily scampered away and the effort left me gasping for breath which caused the gagging and retching to return. There was nothing to do but continue .. they swarmed back around my legs once more ... but I did not fight them .... and I did not give my cursing breath again.

As I continued it got darker and darker. The air growing more heavy .. until I realized the air was full of small flying insects. I was choking on them .. they were getting up under my wind scarf .. in my nose and I could feel their bodies at the back of my throat. I was gagging and choking on more than just the fetid stench now .. I felt claustrophobic ... I was drowning in the air and I swatted at it ...

.. but they were the air.

In desperation I clawed at my wind scarf .. insanely thinking that if I could get it away from my face .. it would be all right. I nearly lost my mind with the desire to just breath .. and with a choking .. gasping ... breath I called out ..

CANA ...

The Way In .. Is the Way Out

I had not been to see Cana since she had fallen within the dream. There was nothing I could do for her body .. it would drive me insane to see her like that .. and it did ... took my breath away. I do not know where Tarra was. Rook was on the quest I had sent him to accomplish. I had arrived in a moment Cana was alone .. placing the things of Ba'atar's that Persephone had brought back. I laid them around her. Pausing only a moment .. she was so like another ... it gripped my chest with fear. Could it be different this time? Could I succeed where I had failed before? Or would it be the bitter taste of a renewed memory...

Also joined me outside and we made our way to my Spex wagon. We sat across from each other. Not much was said between us. Also does not need many words .. and not many words existed that could prepare him. He was not meant to go further than the desert .. nor to leave Marrianne's side .. that task was for me.

I watched his face .. his eyes as they grew heavy. I watched him succumb to the heavy scented smoke from the coals. The soft tabuk hide that Seveya had painted on was with me .. rolled at my thigh. Only then did I begin to build the plains ... the grass .. the horizon .. the gentle breeze. I did not call upon the Three.. we would not be needing them this time. I knew enough .. and I stepped in ...

Also placed his hand on my thigh just above my knee .. I nodded to him. Marrianne joined us .. she led us off across the plains. The solid fertile ground beneath our feet .. the expanse of Sky above us ... the golden grass that parted like waves before our stride. It was not long before we came to the desert. The grass giving way to the white sands. Here I took the lead .. this was the place I knew ... and knew well.

Today the sand was white .. and the Sky was blue. A clear crystal kind of blue .. sharp ... the kind of blue you see in someone's eyes. It was hot .. the breeze blew a fevered breath against our cheeks .. the air was dry.. the sand was dry and it soaked up every bit of moisture from our bodies. Our steps would slip in the shifting sand taking twice the energy for each stride that earned us less than half the distance. Sweat dried swiftly as the parched air drank from us .. it was not long before we even lost the ability to do so. Soon eyelids were like sandpaper across the globe of our eyes .. our tongues felt like weathered boards in our mouths. The lines in our faces deepened and our lips cracked but .. we no longer had enough within us to bleed.

Still we moved on .. passed the barren painted cliffs. Passed the forgotten dry.. cracked lake whose harbor bore only the ghosts of merchant trade. Passed the angry red dunes ... and beyond. I could feel the black-hole sucking sensation as everything fled before the strangers in the desert. Leaving us alone and unmolested .. in the wilderness of it. There was a shiver that passed through the heat waves .. a dread birthed from knowledge ... a knowing and a silent whispered prayer from her residents that I not do exactly what they knew I would do.

And still they pleaded ..

But there was no mercy for them in my soul.

It seemed like an age .. an age where we all lost something ... toll paid to the desert .... before we reached the storm blasted and Central Fire bleached tree .. a black bird sat upon one of the bare twisted branches. A window in the sky stood open next to the tree .. a foul smell from the other side ... and here we came to stop. I turned to find that Marrianne had faded .. nearly clear ... I could see right through her and she was not strong enough to speak this far from the plains. I crouched before Also and I handed him some white flowers.

I spoke to Also .. and I told him to take the white flowers .. for they would protect him. I told him not to let them go .. not to set them down ... no matter what he saw or heard ... no matter what happened to keep them within his hands. I told Also that he must keep the window open for me .. for it was my way back through .. and if I did not get back .. I could not guide him through the desert.

These two tasks I gave him .. to hold the white flowers and to make sure the window stayed open. He did not speak .. but he nodded his head and I saw within his eyes that he understood me and the gravity of what I asked of him.

Without another glance to them I swung a leg over the windowsill and I stepped within.

Can She Survive the Balance?

It would have been easy for me to rage against her with the fact she had disobeyed me. With the fact she was careless with the task I had given her.

But honestly that would have revealed too much of myself at a time I felt too vulnerable.

Made vulnerable by fear .. protectiveness .. lack of control ... fear of loss.

Fear makes me angry.

So I raged at her with every other base emotion that was exposed.

There is not a time I am not at war. There is not a time I am not fighting for my survival. There is not a time I am not paranoid and watching for my enemies .. there is not a time I do not carry a weapon for to be caught off guard makes me vulnerable and stupid and on the defensive. It is always better to attack .. the odds lay with you. There is not a time I do not use every tactic and strategy available to me .. to win. There is no time I think I am safe .. there is no place that is not penetrable by my enemies. There is no peaceful sleep .. there is always to watch. To be aware. To guard against.

I pushed her away from me as hard as I could.

Humiliation .. honed by apathy ... it is a wicked sharp tool.

But she did not leave. I thought she was going to for a moment .. I was sure she believed me. I saw her faith .. her conviction waiver. I saw the beautifully ordered furrows plowed through her flesh. Delicate slices to the fertile underneath where rich dark soil broke free to scent the air with a heady aroma. I saw my words take seed just under the surface with a promise for a fruitful harvest later.

There was some of my own self satisfaction there for my skill in crafting my own sad ending .. mixed with my own heartbreak for being so good at crafting my own sad ending.

Everyone leaves .. eventually.

But this time .. she did not leave.

That was just another tactic I needed to be on guard against. The ability to make me believe it is different ... even if only for a short time.

A dangerous tactic. A strategy I must tip my head to despite how horrific it is. I have to respect a strong and wily enemy.

Nothing is fair in war.

A relationship with me .. is war. The closer you get .. the more intense the battlefield and the more work it is to survive.

I wish I was not the one always needing forgiveness .. that I can never find.

I wish it was different. I wish it was fair. I wish I could find her when she needed me. I wish I did not always get lost. I wish I was not the one always needing to be found. I wish I had more to offer. I wish I had not sewn those seeds within her. I wish there was only the red ribbon .. I wish there was never the black. I wish there was only the courage .. and never the fear. I wish she did not have to balance the two. I wish I could trust her. I wish I could believe.

I wish it was fair.

I wish I knew one moment of respite from this war.

If You Love Something..

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is why I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

*Red

I can not explain why I do .. these things. Why I rage at those closest to me. Why I can be so wise .. so knowing ... so patient with those that do not touch the inside of my being.

Instead .. those that get near me ... I get some idea that they will be able to hear me. I beat on the walls with my fists.. I dig at the mortar until my fingers are bloody and torn. I drive my blade to the hilt cutting away the heavy tapestries. It is not until it is over .. that I realize that the walls .. the mortar .. the tapestries ... do not exist. It is not inanimate objects that I rage against .. it is the people themselves.

And the blood is not always my own.

What then? How do you explain it? How do you tell someone ... they do not get it .. they do not understand. But even if they did ..get it. No one deserves that. No one deserves to be a martyr for a religion that is not even their own. No one deserves to suffer penance for wrongs they did not commit.

I thought it was different this time. I thought I had learned .. something. I believed that somewhere in the time I was away .. I learned ... differently.

But I was wrong.

I could see myself .. I could watch myself ... I knew what was coming and I still could not stop .... myself.

I felt the fevered clamp on my brain deep into my skull .. pinned by anger and frustration. Infused directly with terror driven rage. Primordial emotions without the nice .. ordered ... veneer of society .... a veneer layered up after years of evolution.

Driving against the very things I need. The very people who care about me .. care for me. And I cradle my head in my hands for the sheer inevitability of knowledge that weighs on me like tons of granite slabs upon my shoulders.

I have been using the word .. inevitability ... a lot lately.

How is it that all I try to do .. must turn to dust? Falling like grains of sand .. marking the collapse of time with universe colliding impact ... one by one. Why do I so easily forget the words spoken to me .. when they do not seem to match what I see. Why am I programmed to so easily believe the worst a person has to offer. Why is running away for me completely an offensive act .. never a defensive one. Why would I rather destroy before I am disappointed? Why is apathy the epitome of pain ... Why do I fight my way into a corner ..

...and why is alone so easy for me?

Why is it that all I saw was her failure to obey a simple directive that left her vulnerable in a way that I could not control or protect her from? Why was there nothing .. but that. Why was I just not happy she was all right? Why was fear ... a tangible beast that spurred such horrific violence?

And why .. why did she ... stay?

Tension

Tension

It stretches and hums with harmonics of jealousy .. anger .. betrayal .. desire .. lust ... fear. It is as if the place Cana is caught in has stretched the boundary between and is leaking into this one. More so than usual. People are snapping at each other .. nipping and chewing without even realizing what they are doing. Walking wounded .. without the realization of what they are suffering or who they are causing to suffer.

This is not the place for such things. They not belong here .. among family. It is as if we do not have enough to fight against .. as if people have forgotten who our real enemies are ..

... turning against their own in a savage cannibalistic frenzy of emotional starvation.

I know that place .. I have been to places like it many times. I wear the marks of them. Perhaps that is how Marrianne knew who to ask for help ..

... you can smell those places on me.

But that is my curse. Not my Tribe family's curse. They should not feel this bite .. this gnawing. And yet .. at the fires today it was as real as ever it is in my dreams. As volatile and fetid .. rank with a smoky mucus like film.

I need to go in.

It would be easy to blame my reaction to Seveya when she arrived on the mood of the fires. The nipping and posturing of people as they fought for a place .. a chance to feel useful and a part of things. But that would be a pathetic and weak mirror image of the truth.

The truth is I felt every bit of my own darkness in the instant she arrived. I felt it all rise to the surface .. bloated ... swelled with gasses and rot. I wanted to tear her limb from limb for the way she made me feel. I wanted to punish her for the way she made me feel. I wanted her to know .. how she made me feel.

I wanted to punish someone for what I was about to have to do. I wanted to fight against the inevitability of it all. I felt trapped .. trapped in circumstances that spelled an ending that I was not satisfied with. I wanted another answer .. another way out.

But there was only one answer .. no other solutions.

And I was the one to do it .. no other.

And all that pent up frustration got vented on the one person who has given me her decision that she wants it all .. everything. No shield .. no quarter. A woman who has stepped into something even I can not think she fully understands yet. Perhaps she understands a little more after today.

I wish I could blame it on the tension at the fires.

Emotions Like ..

On my way back from the Clan fires I saw that Seveya had dropped off the piece of soft tabuk hide that I had given her to paint on. It lay there on the platform of the Spex wagon .. I set it inside with the things of Ba'atar's that had been brought back by Persephone. I let them soak up the herbs I put on the coals. I had everything .. I just needed to put a few things together in my head now.

I was returning back to my wagon when I heard sounds coming from within .. strange sounds ... angry sounds.

A puff of air blew three feathers from a vent in the leather dome.

huh

I walked around so I could get a view of what was actually going on in there ... and I saw Catch throwing the biggest two year old tantrum.

I was fascinated.

Intrigued.

Who knew?

Now I am attracted to Catch .. mentally ... physically. I like Catch. But I would not describe her as a passionate woman. Well .. not before today anyway.

I still do not know what set her off .. or drove her to tear apart the interior of my wagon with such complete intent ... but I saw a fire in Catch today I did not know existed. I am .. curious.

When she kicked my chest though .. and I knew how heavy that bastard is ... I felt the deep chuckle get strangled off in my throat for I did not wish her to know I saw this. I stepped away and started for the stream ... once far enough away I let the chuckles escape me.

So who fucking knew?

The brief respite from all the things writhing around in my head was pleasant. It did not take long though for them all to come creeping back in with feverish demand for attention. Their scraping scratching fluttering and slithering drowning out the amusement that had so recently tickled the corner of my mouth.

Asria found me sitting by the side of the stream .. the little bone flute toyed in my fingers .. but no air gave it sound as I simply stared at it .. rather ... stared through it.

Asria was intent on talking to me .. about something. I could not quite get my thoughts out of my own head at first ... struggling I started to finally understand what it was she was attempting to ask of me. I asked her several very pointed questions .. attempting to figure out why she was asking this of me .... now. I never did give her my answer. Other than she needed to speak to Ayguili about it before she asked me. She needs to figure this thing out with Ayguili. She has not tempted my temper since that day .. that is a good thing. I do not see a reason to change it yet.

I had to step aside to speak to a commander ..

When I returned Red was serving Ayguili and Asria was speaking to him about what she needed to accomplish before she was First Fires. I was pleased .. it was something I had urged her to speak to him about. What did not please me however .. was the fact that Red's bells were silent.

While Ayguili and Asria were attempting to communicate with each other .. Red found her way back to me and I asked her .. why I did not hear her ... bells.

Have you ever spoken to someone that knows what it is you are trying to figure out but wants to dance you away from the truth? Not an enjoyable dance .. where there is rhythm and places and meaning. But a dance of disrespect and wasted words and wasted time. Jokes that are not funny. What about my life .. is screaming out for a disrespectful .. mouthy ... accusatory woman that in some respects resembles a slave but not in any sort of good respects? What makes any woman .. let alone a slave believe that I want to hear I am just not a nice guy and that is the reason they are not obedient and thoughtful? What warrior is going to listen to a slave tell him that he has to be nice to her ... and how far do you think that slave will get with that?

Well I can not speak for every man ... I can only speak for this man.

I am not impressed.

I am not inspired to take Red from where she is at to any higher levels of slavery. Not yet. I am not motivated to be nice to her and teach her anything at all. In fact .. I am getting more motivated to refrain from even what I have given her. I have heard good things about her from others .. so I will not kill her. But she seems to have a personal issue with me .. not being nice ... perhaps I will find another owner for her who will be nice to her and get some results.

I will not be manipulated into doing it.

Somewhere in there I heard Yamka finally telling Ayguili about the fact that her father had tired to lay his hands on her again and she had to hide under someone else's wagon .. and those people stepped in for her. Now Ayguili and I have spoken of this before .. Yamka's father. I know he is about out of patience with the man. The look he gave me and the nod .. it was clear what he wished me to do.

When Seveya arrived quietly at the stream .. all the pent up frustrations with her not obeying the rules about dreaming bubbled to the surface. I was so angry .. with her ... angry because what she did was so dangerous. Frustrated because I could shake her enough to change that. Irritated that no matter how hard I laid my hands on her .. it was not going to change anything. No matter how many shreds I ripped her into .. no matter how many pieces I sliced from her body ... it would just not change a damn thing. I did not get the chance to experience all those fears and frustrations and concern and worry in a nice ordered and logical string of events that gave me a chance to adjust to each one as they came. They all flooded in like a deluge of pure emotions without nice defined seams sewn in to keep them strait. They were just all regurgitated on the top of my brain and all I could see was crimson.

A lot of crimson.

I needed to get away .. I left the stream and just ... got away. Emotions were flying around me like those feathers exploding out of my wagon. I could not go in this night ... I was too worked up. Too many things dancing in disorder in my brain ... I could not concentrate at all and concentration would be the only thing that would get me to Cana and give either one of us any real hope of getting back out.

But until then I had a goal. Something I could put my hands to and accomplish. Somewhere to put all this crimson thought process. Somewhere to direct all my anger and frustration. A task .. a man found ..

... guilty.

From the Least of These

Brandish spear and javelin against those who pursue me. Say to my soul, "I am your salvation."

Psalms 35:3

I was still irritated .. the rhythm of my stride was punctuated with it ... as I returned to my wagon after talking to Mezoo.

Only all my self-pity vanished in a slow wave of understanding that brought intense sadness and fear in its wake.

There sitting on my steps was the little unringed Haruspex .. the one that went with Ba'atar on his quest. There could only be one reason she was sitting on my steps .. alone. Alone with several of Ba'atar's things with her. It was obvious .. would have been so to anyone.

A long slow exhale eased across my lips as I sat down beside her on the steps. She handed Ba'atar's things to me one by one. Slowly in her small voice she told me of the quest .. of the battles. Of the bravery and the death of her quest companions. She told me she was the only one to remain.

I watched her features as she told me these things. But not once did the words reach her eyes. Not once did her expression change. It was eery and unsettling .. the lack of affect upon her face as she spoke of the trials .. tribulations and horrors they had experienced together. It reminded me so much of Ani. Only Persephone .. which is her name ... speaks. Persephone has a reason to distance herself in her mind from all she has experienced recently. Ani .. I could never figure out what separated her from humanity so severely.

When she was done telling me her story .. and done giving me Ba'atar's things ... I took her little hand in my own and I led her back to the Clan ... back to her parents. Her parents were overjoyed to see her. Clasping her into their arms. She did not respond to their embrace .. remaining distant and a little cold. They glanced at me over her shoulder .. but I had no answers for them. Not yet. Her brothers and sisters ran to welcome her home .. and the family began to make preparations for a celebration .. for her return. I asked them to hold off on the celebration. Just for three days. I did not tell them why. But I am sure they will figure it out as soon as they are over the initial surprise and rush of having their child back .. the fact that no one else is welcoming their family member's return. I left them then to enjoy their reunion.

I had things to prepare .. I had almost everything I needed now ... there was only the map from Seveya and then .... I would go.

I had lance .. and shield ... what more could a warrior ask for before a battle?