Can She Survive the Balance?

It would have been easy for me to rage against her with the fact she had disobeyed me. With the fact she was careless with the task I had given her.

But honestly that would have revealed too much of myself at a time I felt too vulnerable.

Made vulnerable by fear .. protectiveness .. lack of control ... fear of loss.

Fear makes me angry.

So I raged at her with every other base emotion that was exposed.

There is not a time I am not at war. There is not a time I am not fighting for my survival. There is not a time I am not paranoid and watching for my enemies .. there is not a time I do not carry a weapon for to be caught off guard makes me vulnerable and stupid and on the defensive. It is always better to attack .. the odds lay with you. There is not a time I do not use every tactic and strategy available to me .. to win. There is no time I think I am safe .. there is no place that is not penetrable by my enemies. There is no peaceful sleep .. there is always to watch. To be aware. To guard against.

I pushed her away from me as hard as I could.

Humiliation .. honed by apathy ... it is a wicked sharp tool.

But she did not leave. I thought she was going to for a moment .. I was sure she believed me. I saw her faith .. her conviction waiver. I saw the beautifully ordered furrows plowed through her flesh. Delicate slices to the fertile underneath where rich dark soil broke free to scent the air with a heady aroma. I saw my words take seed just under the surface with a promise for a fruitful harvest later.

There was some of my own self satisfaction there for my skill in crafting my own sad ending .. mixed with my own heartbreak for being so good at crafting my own sad ending.

Everyone leaves .. eventually.

But this time .. she did not leave.

That was just another tactic I needed to be on guard against. The ability to make me believe it is different ... even if only for a short time.

A dangerous tactic. A strategy I must tip my head to despite how horrific it is. I have to respect a strong and wily enemy.

Nothing is fair in war.

A relationship with me .. is war. The closer you get .. the more intense the battlefield and the more work it is to survive.

I wish I was not the one always needing forgiveness .. that I can never find.

I wish it was different. I wish it was fair. I wish I could find her when she needed me. I wish I did not always get lost. I wish I was not the one always needing to be found. I wish I had more to offer. I wish I had not sewn those seeds within her. I wish there was only the red ribbon .. I wish there was never the black. I wish there was only the courage .. and never the fear. I wish she did not have to balance the two. I wish I could trust her. I wish I could believe.

I wish it was fair.

I wish I knew one moment of respite from this war.