If You Love Something..

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is why I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

*Red

I can not explain why I do .. these things. Why I rage at those closest to me. Why I can be so wise .. so knowing ... so patient with those that do not touch the inside of my being.

Instead .. those that get near me ... I get some idea that they will be able to hear me. I beat on the walls with my fists.. I dig at the mortar until my fingers are bloody and torn. I drive my blade to the hilt cutting away the heavy tapestries. It is not until it is over .. that I realize that the walls .. the mortar .. the tapestries ... do not exist. It is not inanimate objects that I rage against .. it is the people themselves.

And the blood is not always my own.

What then? How do you explain it? How do you tell someone ... they do not get it .. they do not understand. But even if they did ..get it. No one deserves that. No one deserves to be a martyr for a religion that is not even their own. No one deserves to suffer penance for wrongs they did not commit.

I thought it was different this time. I thought I had learned .. something. I believed that somewhere in the time I was away .. I learned ... differently.

But I was wrong.

I could see myself .. I could watch myself ... I knew what was coming and I still could not stop .... myself.

I felt the fevered clamp on my brain deep into my skull .. pinned by anger and frustration. Infused directly with terror driven rage. Primordial emotions without the nice .. ordered ... veneer of society .... a veneer layered up after years of evolution.

Driving against the very things I need. The very people who care about me .. care for me. And I cradle my head in my hands for the sheer inevitability of knowledge that weighs on me like tons of granite slabs upon my shoulders.

I have been using the word .. inevitability ... a lot lately.

How is it that all I try to do .. must turn to dust? Falling like grains of sand .. marking the collapse of time with universe colliding impact ... one by one. Why do I so easily forget the words spoken to me .. when they do not seem to match what I see. Why am I programmed to so easily believe the worst a person has to offer. Why is running away for me completely an offensive act .. never a defensive one. Why would I rather destroy before I am disappointed? Why is apathy the epitome of pain ... Why do I fight my way into a corner ..

...and why is alone so easy for me?

Why is it that all I saw was her failure to obey a simple directive that left her vulnerable in a way that I could not control or protect her from? Why was there nothing .. but that. Why was I just not happy she was all right? Why was fear ... a tangible beast that spurred such horrific violence?

And why .. why did she ... stay?