The Margin of Desolation

Abomination .. Desolation ... Waste. This Nothing .. was not ... my Nothing. This Nothing is not a Nothing that I fear. My Nothing .. is a whole different critter all together.

Do not get me wrong .. I say I do not fear this Nothing ... that is not to say I do not respect it. It is powerful and dangerous and can take everything you love and respect from you in an instant of unawareness. This particular Nothing was one of the strongest and most desolate I have ever come up against. Cana has some seriously deep crevices in her mind to be able to conjure this kind of Nothing. I do not think many people know that about Cana .. I am not sure Cana knew that about Cana ... I think Cana knows that now. The knowledge itself can be a difficult thing to accept and move on from. If she asks me about it later .. I will help her.

Later .. I say that like I knew we were getting out of this. Fact is I had no such clear assurance at the time.

The dense air of insects were maddening .. crawling through my nose ... lodged in my throat .. I could not blink them fast enough from my eyes as they clung to my eyelashes. But just when I had almost forgotten why I was there .. the need to breathe nearly taking over my entire thought process ... I heard her whisper my name. It was enough to bring me back to the reality of my quest .. enough to remind me. I told her to say something ... because I could not see to find her. I doubt she believed it was really me there ..

Talking was just as bad as breathing .. the insects filled my mouth and at first I tried to spit them out but it was useless .. I finally just dealt with it .. they burst and crunched between my teeth as I tried to get Cana to keep talking so I could find her .. moving forward .. that is when I ran into the cage .. falling back hard into the waste .. the little daemons swarming over my arms as I struggled to get back to my feet .. a sticky warmth from my forehead easing into one eye.

I crawled forward .. slower this time through the fetid swamp of horror ... feeling the slick slime of wasted sinew mixed with ash and soot over skeletal features beneath my fingers ... sinking through it until I felt the solidity of bone beneath that supported my weight.

"You came."

"Of course I came." Ever practical despite the clogging insects filling my mouth. Ever the irreverent one .. I suppose that is why I continue to find myself in these places. Something to think about later.

I found the bars .. and reached my hand as far as I could through them .. seeking to find a touch of her ... allowing her to reach for the touch of me. I pressed my forehead to the bars ... despite the pain from the cut .. when I felt her fingers close around mine with a fighting desperation. That spirit she still had .. was all I could have asked for. It meant we just might make it out of here together.

I told her Also was there .. well not there but close ... I wanted her to have something more to fight for than herself. I wanted to stir every mother instinct in her and she has her share and more of that particular sense. If I could pick a woman .. that I considered the epitome of motherhood ... it would be Cana. But then I am biased .. she has adopted me.

I tried to spit .. but it was a useless gesture ... it only made the cluttered writhing feel of wings and legs in my mouth worse. I tried to breath .. but the weight of them at the back of my throat only increased and I choked and coughed.

I asked Cana if she had tried to get out .. I could not see her or the cage ... my eyes were full and the feel of living grit was like sand every time I blinked. She told me she could not .. get out ... the latch to the thing was somewhere beneath ... the cage would have to be tipped to allow for fingers to reach and release.

I told her she would have to let go of my hand .. so I could rock the cage up off the ground. That she would have to locate and release the latch while I did so. I felt her hand slip away from my own .. I heard her slide back so that her weight was away from the side I was going to try to lift. It was hard to let her go .. but it was necessary if I was going to get her out. I shoved my shoulder into the bars and I dug my boots into the offal around us .. attempting to find a foothold. My boots would slip and I would have to seek another hold .. and I shoved against the bars as hard as I could. The cage rocked .. started to lift ... then I lost my footing and it came crashing back down and seemed to settling into the filth even more solid than before. But I did not give up .. I set my shoulder into the steel bars once again and I let all the strength within me build for one final expression of muscle.

It seemed like every bit of that muscle was on fire as the cage lifted .. I heard her fumble with the lock .. I heard it click and I heard her cry out that she had gotten it. I growled through my clenched jaw for her to get out .. I was not sure how long I could hold the cage .. as it was it felt like my insides were burning through my skin with a rage of hellish heat.

I heard her skitter through the rotting flesh and broken bones as she slid out from the cage like a beetle in dry leaves. I realized then that the insects were gone .. there was still the stench but .. things had shifted ... the ground was on fire as if the swamp was combustible with an internal flame of its own. I let the cage crash to the ground and I dropped to my knees gasping for breath and it felt like every bit of connecting tissue I had was stretched to the limit.

Cana curled up in a ball .. a backlash of getting free of the cage ... she started to cry and I crawled to her and wrapped her up in my arms .. resting my cheek against her hair. It was an overwhelming feeling .. the knowledge that she was there .. safe. I knew I still had half the journey to go .. but I still felt as if I had conquered the world at that point. Everything was going to be all right.

Emotions broke loose in her as she felt the tight embrace .. felt safe enough to let some of it go. She said .. over and over again ... "You came .. you came".

I told her... "I will .. always come. No matter .. no matter what or who .. you must know that I will always be there."

"You didn't have to .. but you came."

"I had to .. of course I had to. There is no other choice for me .. do you not know this? Do you not know .. how I feel ... about you?" All the strength of who I am as a man vibrated through my tone. Was it possible that she did not know? Was it possible that she did not understand how much I had pledged to her as a person .. as a woman ... a woman that I looked to for strength of character .. to be the vessel of children. A woman who had touched me in those ways more than once and given me a sanctuary of kindness at times when there was no other. She never failed to offer me succor .. offer me honesty ... no matter who she was mated to. She had always been there as my friend and how could I not value that? No one had forced her to place herself in that place for me .. that mothering spirit ... given to me as a gift. No one had forced her to offer to adopt me.. words that though said in joking ... meant so much to me. No one had said she had to .. she had simply given it and what orphan could resist such a thing? What motherless waif could turn away from such a tender spirit offered with no condemnation? She had forged a place with me that would never fail .. that could never be brought down or torn asunder.

But she said .. "no."

I shoved her away from my chest .. taking her face into my hands and brushing the wisps of hair from her eyes and her cheeks. I wanted her to understand .. I wanted her to hear my words and know them. To never forget who she was to me. "I was never meant to be at your side .. to be ... that .... for you. That place is meant for others. But there is no other woman I will ever feel this way about. That I want to be all those good things for. That I need in my life like I need you."

She asked me if I remembered .. that time I came back from the Ubar's quest and I was starved .. a shell of my former self ... and she had offered me a bowl of stew. She told me she had felt a connection then .. something bonded between us.

I know she felt my grin in response as it disturbed the line of scars beneath her fingers. "I will never let all the things I am .. ever hurt you ... Cana." And I meant it. I would give my life to protect her from any darkness .. especially my own. It was the greatest gift I felt I could offer her .. to never let her know me .. all of me. "It is the way that I have to love you."

"Have you ever hurt me? No. Someday, I hope that you learn, that even in your life, there has to be some light. A beacon to guide you away from some of that darkness that haunts you."

Her words touched me. I needed that in my life .. I needed her to be that epitome of good and right .. that light. I knew I would never walk away from the darkness .. it was a part of me. But it was good to see the light in the distance and know .. there was someone out there in it.

Just then the air became charged with electricity .. it sparked and crackled with intensity .. she asked me if I could feel it. The darkness was losing some of its hold here but .. it was coming ... and I grabbed her face and I sought her eyes with my gaze. "Cana .. you have to listen to me ... Ba'atar is dead ... I need you to let him go." She knew .. I could see it in her eyes and I shoved the map into her hands. "Use this .. use it backwards ... it will take you out .. there is a window ... Also is there keeping it open. Go to it .. and do not look back."

"I won't go without you! I will not abandon you in this place!"

"You have to .. I need you on the outside ... I need you to find Also in the desert." I pulled her closer and kissed her eyelids. "You must let me deal with him .. I know him so well you see."

She grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "You will follow .. promise me you will follow."

I told her .. "I am not meant to stay here .. I will be right behind you ... but you must not look back .. swear to me now ... you will not look back." I was desperate .. there was one thing I could not have her see .. one thing I needed to save her from ... "love enough .. not to look back."

She reached up to kiss my lips and told me .. "I will love enough for that and I promise I will not look back."

My breath caught .. there was something between a groan and a sob that tore through my chest. Everything she had always been for me .. epitomized in that moment of her blessing. Everything I had believed her to be .. all the good and right ... all that I understood of a mother's love that I never had ... solidified for me. I felt like I could do anything .. anything good ... and everything bad ... anything that she might need of me. I could do all those things that other men could not. I just could not allow her to know .. or see them. "Go .. now ... hurry."

She took the map in her hands and she ran .. I followed her long enough with my gaze to know she was well on her way before I turned to face the darkness that was forming.

A rare .. and genuine ... smile curled my lips.