Emotions Like ..

On my way back from the Clan fires I saw that Seveya had dropped off the piece of soft tabuk hide that I had given her to paint on. It lay there on the platform of the Spex wagon .. I set it inside with the things of Ba'atar's that had been brought back by Persephone. I let them soak up the herbs I put on the coals. I had everything .. I just needed to put a few things together in my head now.

I was returning back to my wagon when I heard sounds coming from within .. strange sounds ... angry sounds.

A puff of air blew three feathers from a vent in the leather dome.

huh

I walked around so I could get a view of what was actually going on in there ... and I saw Catch throwing the biggest two year old tantrum.

I was fascinated.

Intrigued.

Who knew?

Now I am attracted to Catch .. mentally ... physically. I like Catch. But I would not describe her as a passionate woman. Well .. not before today anyway.

I still do not know what set her off .. or drove her to tear apart the interior of my wagon with such complete intent ... but I saw a fire in Catch today I did not know existed. I am .. curious.

When she kicked my chest though .. and I knew how heavy that bastard is ... I felt the deep chuckle get strangled off in my throat for I did not wish her to know I saw this. I stepped away and started for the stream ... once far enough away I let the chuckles escape me.

So who fucking knew?

The brief respite from all the things writhing around in my head was pleasant. It did not take long though for them all to come creeping back in with feverish demand for attention. Their scraping scratching fluttering and slithering drowning out the amusement that had so recently tickled the corner of my mouth.

Asria found me sitting by the side of the stream .. the little bone flute toyed in my fingers .. but no air gave it sound as I simply stared at it .. rather ... stared through it.

Asria was intent on talking to me .. about something. I could not quite get my thoughts out of my own head at first ... struggling I started to finally understand what it was she was attempting to ask of me. I asked her several very pointed questions .. attempting to figure out why she was asking this of me .... now. I never did give her my answer. Other than she needed to speak to Ayguili about it before she asked me. She needs to figure this thing out with Ayguili. She has not tempted my temper since that day .. that is a good thing. I do not see a reason to change it yet.

I had to step aside to speak to a commander ..

When I returned Red was serving Ayguili and Asria was speaking to him about what she needed to accomplish before she was First Fires. I was pleased .. it was something I had urged her to speak to him about. What did not please me however .. was the fact that Red's bells were silent.

While Ayguili and Asria were attempting to communicate with each other .. Red found her way back to me and I asked her .. why I did not hear her ... bells.

Have you ever spoken to someone that knows what it is you are trying to figure out but wants to dance you away from the truth? Not an enjoyable dance .. where there is rhythm and places and meaning. But a dance of disrespect and wasted words and wasted time. Jokes that are not funny. What about my life .. is screaming out for a disrespectful .. mouthy ... accusatory woman that in some respects resembles a slave but not in any sort of good respects? What makes any woman .. let alone a slave believe that I want to hear I am just not a nice guy and that is the reason they are not obedient and thoughtful? What warrior is going to listen to a slave tell him that he has to be nice to her ... and how far do you think that slave will get with that?

Well I can not speak for every man ... I can only speak for this man.

I am not impressed.

I am not inspired to take Red from where she is at to any higher levels of slavery. Not yet. I am not motivated to be nice to her and teach her anything at all. In fact .. I am getting more motivated to refrain from even what I have given her. I have heard good things about her from others .. so I will not kill her. But she seems to have a personal issue with me .. not being nice ... perhaps I will find another owner for her who will be nice to her and get some results.

I will not be manipulated into doing it.

Somewhere in there I heard Yamka finally telling Ayguili about the fact that her father had tired to lay his hands on her again and she had to hide under someone else's wagon .. and those people stepped in for her. Now Ayguili and I have spoken of this before .. Yamka's father. I know he is about out of patience with the man. The look he gave me and the nod .. it was clear what he wished me to do.

When Seveya arrived quietly at the stream .. all the pent up frustrations with her not obeying the rules about dreaming bubbled to the surface. I was so angry .. with her ... angry because what she did was so dangerous. Frustrated because I could shake her enough to change that. Irritated that no matter how hard I laid my hands on her .. it was not going to change anything. No matter how many shreds I ripped her into .. no matter how many pieces I sliced from her body ... it would just not change a damn thing. I did not get the chance to experience all those fears and frustrations and concern and worry in a nice ordered and logical string of events that gave me a chance to adjust to each one as they came. They all flooded in like a deluge of pure emotions without nice defined seams sewn in to keep them strait. They were just all regurgitated on the top of my brain and all I could see was crimson.

A lot of crimson.

I needed to get away .. I left the stream and just ... got away. Emotions were flying around me like those feathers exploding out of my wagon. I could not go in this night ... I was too worked up. Too many things dancing in disorder in my brain ... I could not concentrate at all and concentration would be the only thing that would get me to Cana and give either one of us any real hope of getting back out.

But until then I had a goal. Something I could put my hands to and accomplish. Somewhere to put all this crimson thought process. Somewhere to direct all my anger and frustration. A task .. a man found ..

... guilty.