Tension

Tension

It stretches and hums with harmonics of jealousy .. anger .. betrayal .. desire .. lust ... fear. It is as if the place Cana is caught in has stretched the boundary between and is leaking into this one. More so than usual. People are snapping at each other .. nipping and chewing without even realizing what they are doing. Walking wounded .. without the realization of what they are suffering or who they are causing to suffer.

This is not the place for such things. They not belong here .. among family. It is as if we do not have enough to fight against .. as if people have forgotten who our real enemies are ..

... turning against their own in a savage cannibalistic frenzy of emotional starvation.

I know that place .. I have been to places like it many times. I wear the marks of them. Perhaps that is how Marrianne knew who to ask for help ..

... you can smell those places on me.

But that is my curse. Not my Tribe family's curse. They should not feel this bite .. this gnawing. And yet .. at the fires today it was as real as ever it is in my dreams. As volatile and fetid .. rank with a smoky mucus like film.

I need to go in.

It would be easy to blame my reaction to Seveya when she arrived on the mood of the fires. The nipping and posturing of people as they fought for a place .. a chance to feel useful and a part of things. But that would be a pathetic and weak mirror image of the truth.

The truth is I felt every bit of my own darkness in the instant she arrived. I felt it all rise to the surface .. bloated ... swelled with gasses and rot. I wanted to tear her limb from limb for the way she made me feel. I wanted to punish her for the way she made me feel. I wanted her to know .. how she made me feel.

I wanted to punish someone for what I was about to have to do. I wanted to fight against the inevitability of it all. I felt trapped .. trapped in circumstances that spelled an ending that I was not satisfied with. I wanted another answer .. another way out.

But there was only one answer .. no other solutions.

And I was the one to do it .. no other.

And all that pent up frustration got vented on the one person who has given me her decision that she wants it all .. everything. No shield .. no quarter. A woman who has stepped into something even I can not think she fully understands yet. Perhaps she understands a little more after today.

I wish I could blame it on the tension at the fires.