What had seemed long .. was not really all that long ... before I palmed the windowsill and climbed over into the desert. I refused to meet Cana's eyes. My feast was too recent .. she would know. Tattered remnants remained .. like torn vestiges of her torment ... in the black vortices of my gaze. I did not want her to know .. or understand ... that all she had just lived through ... was now inside of me. It was fresh and I could still taste the metallic soot on my tongue. The rawness of it would fade .. but right now ... here in the desert ... there would be no way to hide it from her. She was embracing Also .. and Marrianne. Neither of these two did I wish to know fully of what I had just done. It was better they did not. For not only had I taken .. but I had taken without mercy. I had tortured .. I had exacted my own revenge with no betterment to anyone .. but my own angry and thirsty sword of vengeance. It was sated .. for a few moments. That pleasure was not one I would ever give up easily.
I got my bearings and started leading them back through the desert. The trip back was long and hard .. though the desert was still empty. Her residents wary and silent. I had to carry each of my traveling companions off and on. Also was exhausted .. Cana worn out. But it was the four of us ... together .. finally reaching the edge of the desert. This time the edge appeared as a bridge .. a bridge to the plains beyond.
This is where we parted from Cana .. she had to find her way back to her body. She had to find her own reasons to wake up. I hoped that Tarra.. or someone ... would be there for her when she did. So she could see a human face .. feel a human's touch ... and know she was back where she belonged.
When I stepped free of the dream .. it took me a moment to free myself of the feelings and emotions .. the place clung to me still. I carried the sleeping Also from my Spex wagon across the First Fires to Cana's wagon. Ducking within I was relieved to see she was conscious and speaking to Tarra. I laid Also beside her and the boy shifted to curl against her without much disturbance in his sleep. I asked Tarra how she was .. as if she was not there listening. I asked of her physical body .. and as if I did not hear the protests of Cana ... I told Tarra I would think twice about feeding her.
Figured keeping her weak and manageable was a good idea.
Cana let Tarra know that Ba'atar would not be returning. Tarra did not look surprised. I told her I would let Ayguili know and it would be up to the two of them when to give it to the Drummers.
I was tired .. mentally exhausted. I had so much energy that was not my own that I needed to shed off .. get ride of ... allow to return where it belonged.
Cana spoke of the children .. of the things I had placed around her. She asked me to dispose of the mask .. as if she knew I would know what to do with it. Not only who it had belonged to .. but where it should go. I unhooked it from the belt she wished to give Also and I rolled the leather mask in my fingers .. telling her I would see it was done. She saw nothing that belonged to the little spex and I told her that the girl was alive ... here in the camp.
Tarra excused herself .. and Cana thanked her for all she had done ... but then Tarra said a strange thing. Instead of allowing Cana to thank her she refused her that one offering and told Cana that she had not done anything. I do not know why she would treat Cana that way. Refusing such a simply offering of thanks at a time like this. Why she had to reduce what she has done .. sitting with Cana for hours .. watching her ... being there when she woke and any other number of things ... why she had to reduce that to a nothing. As if Cana was not important.
There are things about Tarra I will never understand. I assured Cana .. that Tarra had not been correct .. that she had done many things for Cana. The biggest of which she had been there by her side rarely leaving it. Always making sure someone was near. I wanted Cana to know .. to understand ... but she did all ready. She knew Tarra well enough to know that her words of nothing .. were not true. That she had tirelessly offered herself to Cana's care .. Cana knew ... because Cana knew Tarra.
Cana and I spoke briefly of the place she had been. The concentration of it .. the separating of good and bad and then tipping the balance towards the negative. I told her it was not a place she should be. It was not a place for her.
I know that Cana created that place .. not what haunted her there ... but the place. I know she has a darkness inside .. we all do. I know she can not live in denial of that any more. Cana insists on separating the good and the bad. She insists on feeding the good and that is what makes her the kind of person she is. But .. we can never quite destroy the bad ... never quite annihilate the negative. Certainly not by denying it exists. Denial is one of its favorite foods and it can grow strong and powerful on that mother's milk. I do not want Cana to change .. I like Cana the way she is. But there is a deep anger and unhappiness that is growing .. building ... creating. Though I would never .. ever ... want her caught in a place like she had been ... perhaps by being caught there and coming to realize that place exists in her ... she will be able to deal with it ... get it out ... shine a little light on it.
It was then that Seveya came with a soft call to me .. and I told her to come in after making sure it was all right with Cana. I was relieved to hear her voice for my conversation with Cana had begun to take on a little more of a personal vein .. in regards to those who know those places. It was not a conversation I wanted to have with her so soon after doing what I did there.
It was not perhaps the perfect time .. but I do not get a lot of time with Cana recently .. I wanted her to know the biggest change in my life recently. I wanted her to know because she is one of my best friends .. one I have gone to repeatedly with questions and frustrations about the ideas of love and relationships. I also wanted Seveya to understand that Cana was indeed .. one of my best friends and always would be. I wanted Seveya to understand how important Cana was to me .. that who she was to me would never change or grow less important no matter who I had standing beside me as my mate and I hoped she felt the same about me ... no matter who she stood beside as their mate.
I told Cana that I had offered to pay Seveya's bride price .. that though Ayguili had refused to give it to me ... it had not changed my mind. Nothing was going to change my mind. I had made a decision. A decision I am rather serious about. Seveya was the woman I had chosen to stand beside me .. come what may. I meant to share all I had with her .. everything.
I told Seveya that if I could ever say I loved a woman .. it would be Cana. I would always protect her .. from everyone and everything ... including myself. Especially myself. She was someone I could love .. enough ... to never show those pieces of myself.
It was a lot like my conversation with Ayguili. I do not think Cana understood .. but it does not change the fact I felt I owed her my words. My words changed nothing .. I am still in the same place I was before my words. But I can not keep my words simply because no one can understand them. I had to share the "I know".
Though this one was a much more quiet version.
0 comments:
Post a Comment