Of Courage .. and Honor

The news of Cana's coma sent me off into a spiral of guilt and frustrated raging at myself for my inadequacies. I had failed her .. in the one way I thought I could do something meaningful for her.

How long had we been friends? A long damn time. And finally given a chance to repay all the kindness she had given me .. all the times she talked about adopting me .. my pseudo mother.... and I could not be there for her this once.

There had been nothing I could do for her hurts with men .. over the years. The latest tears with Ba'atar. I could not see what she saw .. or why she felt the way she did about them .. but it was not for me to judge. I did not have to fuck them or bear them children. It was merely for me to support her as best I could and be there for her .. when she needed me as her friend. And I tired .. always to do that.

I took the long .. hard way ... to the mountain and the Man of Stone. For her. I gave up Ciegue ... for her. For her connection with the kaiila. It was more important than what I needed from the beast. I am not sorry I did that for her .. I am raging at myself for failing ... this time.

I am frustrated .. because I know what this means. If she can not find her way out .. I know what that means. I swore I would never do this again .. not after the last time. Never .. again ...

Uncertainty .. rage ... frustration .... guilt .. they were all clamoring in a orchestrated cacophony trapped inside my skull. The timing of the Mask related orders was welcomed. I took up my skills with an energy even surprising to myself.

I was still all cranked up on adrenaline .. washing the blood from my hands .. arms ... when I heard her approaching the stream. Felt her .. long before she got there. The rush .. the ebb and flow of energy. She was on fire with it .. something or someone had upset her. My reactions were a primordial flexing that jump-started my adrenaline and spread over my shoulders with an intent. It was hard to rein in. When she called my name I simply told her I was there. Using every available moment left to me .. before she got closer ... to ground myself in a reality that seemed very far away and unreachable.

Could she tell? Could she hear it in my voice .. feel it threaded through the muscle of my arm as she crouched near and touched me? I hope that she did not notice .. I hope it was drowned out by the tears and frustrations that laced her own voice as she explained to me why she was upset.

She told me she had spoken to Ayguili .. that got my attention and I shifted in my crouch enough to see her profile in the moons light .. seeking to find her expressions. I was not prepared for the deluge of words and emotions that fell from her lips. So many things I tried to piece together .. protection from me .. from her ... "I did not look at her like Ash looked at Silken .. if I had it would be different."

huh?

Was Ayguili drunk? To compare me and what I have been through with Seveya to Ash and Silken? To hold them up as my example? People are different. He knew better. I needed to check for signs of kanda use. Either that or the pressure of being Ubar had finally cracked his skull and his gray matter was leaking over his ears.

I started to get irritated.

But she continued .. that he had told her to look down the road a few years when she realized that I did not love her and was with her only out of honor ...

huh

and that she should not make any rash decisions again that would hurt everyone ...

really

I told her quietly .. I began with ... "you have not hurt anyone."

She went on .. and on ... some of it made a bit of sense ... the rest held no logic for me ... much as my conversation with Ayguili. I let it bleed off from her before I wrapped my arms around her and held her back against my chest. She told me she did not believe Ayguili understood her .. I told her ... how could he? He did not know her. I did not know her completely either. But I knew one thing and that was the deal clincher for me.

I felt her.

She grew quiet for a moment before she spoke again .. she apologized to me for not making Ayguili think differently.

She broke my heart a little with that.

I told her .. assured her ... reminded her it was not her place to change Ayguili's mind.

Then I asked her .. if she loved me.

She said yes.

So I asked her what that meant.

And she told me.

And if you want her definition .. ask her and hear it for yourself. It is worth it.

And then I asked her .. if this was so ... her definition of love ... why would it be so bad years down the road if I was still with her out of loyalty?

She said .. "Ayguili said it would be loveless."

I said .. by your own definition of love ... would it not be the epitome of love itself?

She said .. "he does not see it the way I see it."

I really did not care how Ayguili saw it .. or sees it ... I wanted to know how she saw it and I asked her again .. what she thought.

She went into this detailed and descriptive answer that actually did nothing to answer my question at all and I had to ask her again. She kept coming back to how Ayguili set up the question .. how it made her feel. I no longer cared what Ayguili said .. this was now between her and I. I did care about how she felt .. that is the why of the question ... but it was not the question.

I tried to ground her by asking directly .. "Is not honor love?" According to her.

She said.. "It is part of it .. but the way Ayguili spoke of honor .."

here we go again

So I told her that love is a lot like honor .. people have their own and varying definitions of it. "When feelings and emotions fail us .. what do we have?"

"Our belief and faith in ourselves and others .. and ... known facts."

There we go .. by Seveya's very definition of love ... the scenario set up by Ayguili was in fact her best dreams come true. It was the theory she presented made real and tactile. An example someone could grasp in their hand and hold onto. There was no reason for her to get upset over Ayguili's words of honor and his attempt to scare her into thinking that years down the road Seveya might find herself in a loveless relationship with me when his very scenario described the epitome of Seveya's theory of love.

She relaxed a little against me .. against my chest. For a while it did not feel as if there was anything else that existed but the two of us .. and this conversation. We had spoken quite a bit on how Seveya saw love .. how it mixed significantly with honor ... more so than emotion. She then asked me my thoughts on it.

The only way I could think of to explain my thoughts was to tell her how it had been for me .. with women. With free women. With my relationships with them .. apart from emotion there was honor ... and there was courage ... and there was loyalty. I spoke of how each one of these things played into my thinking and my decisions. That I did not fear or turn from my decisions once they were made until it was clear that the other one involved was not interested. That I had remained loyal for years .. waiting ... before moving on.

She asked me if it ever cost me my happiness .. those decisions. I told her no. To base my happiness in fleeting transient feelings and emotions would be disastrous. That my happiness was based instead in my courage .. in my honor ... and in my loyalty. Without those things I would truly be unhappy. These things were a constant throughout my mood swings and tempers.

She grew quiet and I asked her for her thoughts. She said she never wanted me to be intentionally unhappy. That there was a separation in where I derived my happiness .. from the heights and depths of emotions. She said she was glad for that.

There is a comfort in that understanding. In her understanding of my intent. That as a man .. I hold my decisions as binding and I am loyal to them with courage in the face of feelings and emotions. Hers or my own. That .. my core decision would not and could not waiver. That the rest were dressings and clothing that decorate and build up and mature over the years .. but there was nothing that could change my core decision to remain loyal. Nothing but her own decisions that might make it clear to me she no longer appreciated that decision. If she no longer wanted it .. or it hurt her ... for I am a man of pride as well.

Before I left her .. I told her I needed to speak to her of something else. Something that had nothing to do with any of this .. that I would find her in the morning. And in final I asked her not to paint with the brush .. not to dream that night.

It was important.