Paint Me..A vision

How do you describe loneliness? I do not know what it is like for everyone else .. I do know it is different for me than for most people. It seems for most people there is this gray area .. where they still want something they do not have .. but they feel sad about the fact they do not have it. No such gray area .. or middle place ... exists for me. Many times when I miss someone there is either a pure desire .. or pure raging hatred. If .. and I do say if ... I experience any kind of middle ground it is full of apathy .. lack of color ... no desire ... no anger ... no sadness .... just emptiness. The kind of emptiness that is the epitome of peace .. something like death I think. I can vaguely remember that I once desired .. but it does not seem so important now ... I can not seem to grasp why it seemed to be so important at the time either.

I do not think of Seveya .. in this constant need for her company. For me .. it is like having something to say to someone .. starting the sentence and realizing suddenly they are not there to tell it to. A slight scratch at the inside of my skull that it would have been nice .. if she had been there ... you feel a little silly for not knowing she was not there in the first place ... but none of that really throws off the rhythm of your day.

Today .. when I saw her ... it was like that. As if some nagging burr under my saddle had been removed and things were not jumping around so chaotically any more. There was a sense of comfort .. so I would not exactly say I am lonely without her ... but her company can be missed.

Today I asked her to paint me a map .. a map of where she had been while lost in a vision. Where I knew she had been. She did not belong there. She should not be there ... but she had been ... and that being reality ... her reality might be able to help me. Help me to help Cana. It was a lot to ask of her .. was it Fate punishing her for going where she did not belong? Sending her back there .. only this time with intent? I do not know .. it was a lot to ask of her ... but I asked it anyway.

I gave her the pouch of herbs to put in the fire .. I gave her the exact number of chips to make the fire with. I did not want her dreaming after she painted ... it was not a good idea. Was I irresponsible giving her this much responsibility with such dangerous tools? Some would say so. But there were certain facts involved that needed to be considered. First of all the brush was hers and if she did not want to use it with my rules .. I had no authority over her to demand otherwise. She could use it any damn way she felt like using it. There was for me then to teach her how to do it .. and stay safe while she did it. Second of all .. she had all ready shown me she was effected by the thing .. past tense ... could .. would and did. I was not introducing her to the phenomena .. I was teaching her how to use what she all ready had.

There was nothing she was doing that had anything to do with the Clan. She was no Spex. She was not creating the visions .. she was painting them. She was not interpreting the visions ... she was giving them lines of color and making them visible to the conscious eye. She was a neutral party .. a watcher ... a recorder. She was there to report ... not to interfere or to change the outcome of what was to happen.

Then she was to get out .. to get out and stay out. To sleep .. and not dream. To leave the rest to me.

But that is not how it was destined to happen.