Pride and Stubbornness

I am frustrated .. I am hurt ... after my talk with Mezoo.

Against my own inner better judgement I did not give her my usual apathetic veneer. I opened myself up .. I revealed something that was not perfect .. was not mature ... but was real and solid and a part of the depth of me. So much a part of the depth of me that it is something that will never change about me. No matter what experiences .. what motivations ... what influences ply themselves upon me during the expanse of my life ... it will never change.

The boy in me .. sought for her understanding and if not her approval ... if that was too much to ask for .... at least her gentle touch upon the exposed and tender part of my heart.

But that was not to be.

I am not sure why I was so weak and short sighted as to believe I could have this from her. I am not sure why I acted like a smooth cheeked boy confessing his first crush .. instead of the scarred and hardened warrior I am. I am not sure why I allowed the boy to speak at all.

Perhaps it was being in the presence of the Oracle. Her sweet and innocent feminine frailty that made me believe in women .. gave me a few moments of faith in the gender like a plague of sores rotting away my protective hide and revealing the tender flesh beneath. A plague .. a virus... yes I think that is how I shall liken it.

The Viral Plague of the Oracle.

I did not speak to Mezoo .. about how I felt or the confusion in my head because I wanted a lecture. I did not speak to someone I considered my friend to hear yet another person tell me I am not good enough to ask for Seveya's bride price. I am not sure why I expected anything different. I am not sure why I expected someone to treat me any differently than people have been treating me for my entire life.

I can not connect with her. I can not share how I feel with her. Not without her placing a judgement on me. She stands with Ayguili in this .. but I am not sure what gives her the authority to do so. What gives her the authority to define to me what love is .. and then place it on my relationship as a measuring stick to what is right. I have not claimed to love Seveya. Why do people keep insisting that I need to? Not only insist that I love her .. but love her in the way they think love should be defined. Which seems to work well for them ... but does not for me.

I tried to tell her that I was frustrated with Ayguili. That I did not hate him but in my confusion and frustration I might sound like I did. Perhaps even with that disclaimer ... she was defensive of him and of his opinions. She tried to show me .. that because I no longer had the urge to sing ... like I did that first day .... that what I felt might not last.

But she is mistaken.

I do not base my decisions on what I feel. I base them on who I feel.

And my decision is what has to stand the test of time .. not my feelings or emotions. I have far too many tempers .. far too many moods to rely on them to base my relationships on.

Mezoo is wrong .. that I have to act the same .. or feel the same every day or the relationship with Seveya will not last.

My decision will last through any dark or angry mood I have. My decision will last through any words I might say in a temper. Through any darkness .. it stands unchanged. Just because I would wish Seveya well if she could move on in the light of Ayguili's refusal to give me her bride price ... it does not mean my decision has changed.

Just because I will respect Ayguili's decision .. it does not mean I think he is right. I think he is wrong. But I will still respect him for doing the one thing I have asked him to do .. protect Seveya. Just because I will not fight him on this .. does not mean I have changed my decision .. or my intentions towards Seveya. I can not fight him .. for doing what I have asked him to do.

That is why I will still remain Mezoo's friend. Because I value her opinions. Even when they hurt me .. even when I do not like them or believe they are right. Despite her words to me that it is my fault .. that I should not blame my weaknesses on Ayguili .. words that I do not believe I deserved ... I still respect her. I respect her even when I do not understand her. It is possible that I misunderstood everything she said to me today .. but it still hurt. The natural consequence of her hurting me today .. for her judgement of my pride and my stubbornness .. will be a much more distant and hesitant sense when it comes to exposing who I am beneath the surface. Which is a good thing. I knew better .. I simply got a refresher course. I am no worse off today than I was yesterday.

I simply got an injection of an antiviral.

And in my simple opinion I am a lot healthier for it.

For it is my pride .. and my stubbornness ... those boyish parts of me that insist on me doing what I believe is right no matter how hard it is ... no matter what it means I have to go without ... it is that strength of purpose and decision that makes me who I am as a man. It is my integrity and my identity .. even when it works against me. Even when it is not right. Even when it is wrong. My integrity is not about being right all the time ... my integrity is about me doing what I believe is right and sticking with it. And there is only one woman that needs to be able to accept that and live with it ... and from what I can tell..

... she has made the decision to do so.